double take

Everyone up on this piece knows I got malaria, right? Got it *twice* in the first half of the year. That was lots of fun.
Then, 2 months ago, I broke a toe playing ultimate frisbee... which, apparently, wasn't good enough for me; we just went to an adventure retreat to Panchmari, MP, where I fall out of a mango tree and manage to break three toes (including rebreaking the original)! Gwah!!!!

This year is just too much. But, no worries. I am fine. :)

In other news, I just went rappelling off a cliff (yes, before, the tree fall). Scariest physical thing I have ever, ever done. I didn't want to do it when I got to the top...
(this year has taught me that I have trust issues with letting myself free fall backwards)
but the guy up top literally nudges me off the peak to a point that I can't climb back up...
And the only option left was down.
I almost passed out...
but, man, when I finally hit the ground, I felt like the strongest woman ever.

On a lighter note, I had been aching to go swimming for a long while now. Living where I am, it proves a bit difficult to always have drinking water, let alone to go swimming.
But, in MP, we hiked to a waterfall. The others literally had to drag me out. I was so satisfied.

****
6 weeks left in the fellowship --> the countdown begins. Holy jeebus.

****
To my poets:

I'm gonna miss this year's VONA!
Noooooooooooooo!!!
I am really missin you guys and our collective voice. I know y'all are still writing and the thought makes me really happy. I've been meaning to get some of the work I've done this year out to you guys, but my net access, as you can imagine, has been minimal.

However, I have gotten some articles published in random places. I actually just found out that one just got published in a newspaper called India Abroad. It's a gradual process, but it's a start.

Much love. Chase the things that inspire you and keep writing. I'm definitely thinking of you guys.

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed,
I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.

-- Rilke (from the Book of Hours)

You should go...

.. this guy spoke at our orientation- he's intense and super versed in, well, building bridges. And, he's in town on my birthday (you didn't forget did you?!)
Anyhow, Vimz especially, you'd like him. Go if you can:

The Coalition for Building Bridges of Understanding

Cordially invites you to a meeting and discussion with Shri Harsh Mander
On Friday, June 24, 2005, 6:45 PM, At Lincolnwood City Hall, 6900 N. Lincoln Avenue, Lincolnwood. Dinner will be provided. Mr. Mander is a strong voice in India for social justice, pluralism, religious tolerance, communal harmony and the rule of law. He is a respected activist, a well-known public speaker and a reputed author. He was awarded the Rajiv Gandhi National Sadbhavana Award for peace work, and the M.A.Thomas National Human Rights Award in 2002. Mr. Mander will talk about strengthening Indian democracy and promoting social Justice in this inter-active meeting. Please join us for a lively discussion.

For more information call: (630) 971-9873

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

For once on the face of the earth
let's not speak in any language,
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines,
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victory with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

-- Pablo Neruda

culture shock x 298739483984273984 =

this moment. Ask me where I am.

Yesterday, I finished errands ... walked out to to the farthest reaches of the villages...mid afternoon... 120+ degrees. ...

EEEEES HOT OUT HERE!!!

... then we hop a jeep with no doors and blow through a sand storm to a village about 25 km away. It's the village of this super sweet man that works with us. His son is getting married in 2 days; so we congradulate the groom before we head out of town for two weeks on business. (writing our research paper, then a retreat in Madhya Pradesh)

Point of ramblings:

Yesterday, at this time, I was pulling through villages in the midafternoon desert heat and sandstorms....

Today, I am writing a research paper on my laptop. I'm in a coffee shop in big city Ahmedabad. With wireless internet access. With an apple-walnut protein shake ( it's soooo good...). In air conditioning!!! And the things on the menu... things such as macchiatos or red bull or a brownie with ice cream?!?!?. Whoa.

Can we say culture shock?

.. yet at the same time, it's a total flashback to college. Cept the coffee here is better. As is the scene out the window.

Ok, my five day deadline on this paper looms. Must get back to work. Much love.

spring clean up

translation? my email is not cooperating...

so i'm responding on this mofo, my link to the world back home.

My brother is officially a senior in college!!!! I'm so proud that i'm blushing. Yay, Vimz! (Did you ever get the package I sent?... make sure you set up forwarding your mail to home @ the post office.) I'm so excited to see you guys in July!!!

Jennaiya!!! You owe me 75435425 punches in the nose. Your birthday came and it went and I was too far removed from calendars to know. Aaaa! Please, forgive me. Happy Birthday Babydoll! Btw, you have yet to send a mailing address.. ; send your cell # too. My email is still (mywholename)@gmail.com. It should be working fine when the computers here aren't throwing temper tantrums. :) Give our corners and Mama G a huge hug for me.

Robyn!! Happy freakin Bday to you too!!!

Aditya, i know that picture isn't so great. But broke ass!?! I'd like to see how much of a rockstar *you* look like after a year of living like the salt of the earth in the desert. :P

Nikhil- the CD's and magazines rock! Thank you sooooooo much! I put the 1st CD in and homesickness washed over me like no one's business.... but in a good way. :) Totally made my week. Thank you!

Hardyduss, I miss you tons too. Congrats on finishing pharm school! You should celebrate--- come visit me! I guarantee you won't regret it. It's amazingly beautiful out here. And there's 2 bicycles and on open desert horizon with our names on them. ;)

*****************************************************

Now, down to business. This fellowship is over in 2.5 months. I have a huge decision in front of me. Anand, Indicorps founder, wants me to stay another year on a paid PR position. Awesome opportunity- writing, putting together a collective book and videos, counseling projects, traveling... it would be amazing. And it would put together a lot of the pieces for me.... laying an amazing foundation for the things I want to get into when I get back... (and I would have time to apply to grad school)

There's also an opening at UNESCO (i.e. the united nations!!) that this project has given me the perfect entry for. It's kind of funny how life gives you exactly what you ask from it. I've been wanting to work for the UN since I was in high school. ... and now there's an opportunity that is punching me in the face: "here I am. Exactly what you said you wanted. An international career. In the field of art. Empowering communities. Falling asleep at night *knowing* you're doing something that matters. Something that fits."

So the problem? I am ready to come home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. My brothers, the most important thing to me ever, are growing up without me. Quite literally, a 16th bday, a 21st bday, a driver's license (!), a senior in college. My mom is the president of our samaj. my dad is now running daily (!). My friends are all at some crazy amazing turning points. And the first corners' trip is planned for this sept. Home is pulling me back relentlessly.

But I think I need some time to readjust. I need to stay in India a while. To unromanticize the idea of India in my head. Because, realistically, India is not the adventure that I have been on this past year. It's a nation like any other, with a wide disparity btw socio-economic classes. It's got a highly standardized, globalized urban yuppie city culture (my favorite... ummm... right....). But it's also got masses of people who live on very little, who are mostly illiterate, surviving on the strengths they have, surviving on 'whatever God gives them'. Neither end of the spectrum is bad, I've come to realize. It's all in the eye of the beholder. India's got a whole lot of character and beauty if you know what you are looking for.

Anyway, I am considering staying (a few months max). It's still a debate at this point. Questions/ comments/ concerns? Email me. or call.

Much love.
PEACE.

Breathe in,

breathe out. Aaaaa....

so many things to say.

Ok, first things first. My dada is feeling better. Still in the hospital, but stable. Yay! *sigh of relief* Because he had come to visit me a few months earlier, the people in my village keep asking how he's doing, how he's feeling. Now that is community. :) Someone pass him word that everyone on this end is pulling for him. Everyone, including people he has yet to meet.

Next, someone give my two brothers a big hug from me. I miss them so much.
And Mom for mom's day. Sorry to be so far!

....

Now, I think I might notice this more than everyone else who is 'wrapped all up in it' (whereas I am a bit removed for the moment.) Life is unbelievable. Everyone I know is in an amazing transition right now. And b/c my contact w/ ppl is fewer and farther btw, I can SEE how much the people I love are growing. It is an INCREDIBLE thing to notice.
---> this realization begins with some great news. Angela Patel, who, incidently, was *convinced* that she would never make it through high school, is graduating with a Masters in Social Work from Colombia. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My baby's growin up!!! Someone hug her for me. (Then kick her as hard as you can.) I am so proud of you beta!


....
As for me, I'm doin ok. My toe is healing (I got an Xray taken finally, and it's going to be fine.... btw, I have the cutest toe bones evah!) *wink*
and...

I HELD MY FIRST ART EXHIBITION EVER! Such an overwhelming experience, I don't know where to begin. We convinced the village men to let 20 of their women come out to Ahmedbad to be a part of their first exhibition of their work. THEY CAME!!! 20 women, who had never left their village before, came out to big city A'bad. We wanted them to see for themselves, the buzz that has been created over artisans reclaiming ownership of their craft.

We did it all....overnight bus, a roller coaster, meeting the Gujarat minister of education, interacting with artists, designers and shop owners, going to department stores, high end clothing stores, out for ice cream, downtown, a movie.... 3 days of craziness. THE MEN AGREED (on the condition of 4 male escorts from the village.) We also took 4 boys from the villages, who are super promising at their studies, to enroll them at a great boarding school in A'bad. The publicity was unreal: articles in the Times of India, Mumbai Samachar, Divya Baskar AND, randomly enough, the Sunday London Times.

Now, here's the excitingest part. Anyone read the tipping point by malcolm Gladwell? It's about how movements are started and how they gain momentum. Basically, a whole lot of groundwork is laid, and then it just takes one small trigger to tip the scale. I have yet to see if I am getting ahead of myself, but I think we hit it. The difference in their cooperation, their understanding, the DESIGNS and QUALITY of their work is UNFUCKINBELIEVABLE. (excuse the language- i am too excited) A popular motif in their last piece was peacocks, because they saw peacocks roaming around for the first time! And suddenly, the women are thinking about their work. They are drawing inspiration from their surroundings, from their experiences, from their lives- they are evolving their traditional art themselves. They have ready replies for WHY they chose a particular (motif, color palate, spacing, layout) anything.

Sorry if this is rambling. I'm on a huge high right now. This is what they are talking about when they are talking about empowerment. Letting the people reclaim who they already are.
The majority of the handicraft work done in India is all about 'reviving tradtional art' via income generation. ... i.e. giving the women pre stenciled designed cloth, kits of thread in the colors of the design, and a sample of what the finished product should look like. Like labor work...
Which I am not knocking, b/c it is necessary to give these women work, and the women do not argue with the money. And their skills in embroidery are used.

But there is an unmatched, unparallelable beauty to have them take ownership of their work. There is a visible difference in how much they enjoy creating the finished product. They debate what looks good, what doesn't. They express opinions. They *argue*. They are suddenly *thinking* about their work. And enjoying the process. And reclaiming ownership. I can't believe that it's actually happening.

Maybe they just had to see it for themselves.

Ultimate frisbee on the Mumbai shoreline ...

head on collision with Deepa Ganachari. Her unbelievably hard heel meets my toe. 16 days later, it still hurts. Diagnosis: 'fractured,' a medical term meaning 'it's broken.' Geez.

Also, my grandfather is sick. I've decided that spirit and being positive have more of an effect than I give credit. So, everything will be fine. I'm betting on it. And praying for him. I loves him so much.

Mapping India

Rajasthan, then Mumbai. Stayed in the desert for three days, then on to the oceanfront. Met up with the rest of the Indicorps team, and it was absolutely *amazing* to see how much we've all grown. I'm finally in a space where I feel like I can navigate India while being culturally appropriate and while (and this is the key) still being myself.

I saw my first crab on the oceanfront. Also met Rajni Bakshi, author of Bapu Kiti. I have yet to read the book, but we had a discussion of the similarities btw the civil rts mvement in the states and the Dalit movement in India. Interesting. She seemed well informed... but, like I said, haven't read her book yet.

Since I don't have a TV or radio out here, I have been writing a lot. Not reading as much as I would like to.... but some books I read recently and enjoyed:

the God of Small things (Arundati Roy)
The bookseller of Kabul (Asne Seierstad)
What Should I do w/ my life? (Po Bronson)
Interpreter of Maladies (Jhumpa Lahiri)
Seven habits of effective ppl (steven covey) (obvious suggestions, but well organized)
and, as always,
The giving tree (shel silverstein) and Oh the places you'll go (by the Dr. himself)
(b/c some books are just timeless)

I have this huge pile of books I've bought (books are super cheap in India) (getting to a point where my mountains of books are almost as high as Robyn's) ... that I am still chiseling my way through ... stuff I've been meaning to read or read about forever... but there is so much to know. Like Freud and Fountainhead and Tagore and Gibran and Isreal and the Phillipines and Egypt and Saul Williams and Ruth Foreman and the Black Panthers and the Tipping Point and Haruki Murakami and Gandhi.

Whatcha got? Send over any titles you'd recommend my way. :) I'll start doing the same.

Things begin to click

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't really fit any mold. I'm ok w/ this. I've come to appreciate always being a little different, always looking in from the outside. It gives me an edge - the ability to see things in a different perspective. I've come to terms with the occasional necessity to swim upstream and against the current. It's the way I was raised. It's because I know my path is unpaved.

But it is nice when the people I love support my decisions. It's an inner peace that can't be found in any other way. Soooo.... getting to the point....

I have a few opportunities open to me after this August. So I am thinking about staying back for a bit after my fellowship (After, of course, my family visits.... 3 weeks!!!! Yay!) If nothing else, the time will help me transition back into the life I led before I got here. (I can only imagine how traumatic it would be to go straight from a remote village in India back to life outside of Chicago without any time to adjust!)

The point of this entry is that (although my decision is still not 100%), I might stay for a while. And my family, who I thought would be competely against this, are actually super supportive of the idea. That simple statement eradicates so much anxiety. Having my family behind me makes me happier than I would ever let on.

I send a transAtlantic, intercontinental, oversea tackle hug to everyone I love. You know who you are.

:) (in the words of Vimal McBrother, "Wink!")

Say it with me.... "Ooo-nah-doe"

Yep. "The summer season. It's here.... and ees-a hot out here.

There were a few things I was supremely fearful of before coming out here including:
1. Summer in the desert and
2. Scorpion season
Apparently, they are one and the same; the summer heat drives the mofos out of the ground... Like a video game, the goal is to pass the level w/o getting stung by a scorpion. I need to make me a scorpion-proof suit. hmmmmm.... cellophane? aluminum foil? tweed perhaps? Nothing gets through tweed right? Shoot over any bright ideas.

So, a man in my village (Desar) had been living in another village for a month or 2. He was doing labor work abt 1/2 an hr away. Desar had just bought a new motorcycle and had about 9000 rupees left to go. We had gone to the village he was in about a week ago to organize a music performance for the projectAhimsa (www.projectahimsa.org/) fellow to get some music clips for a CD. We spent the night w/ Desar. Had a great time. He hadn't been home or seen his family in weeks; he told us to tell his family he missed them and he'd be home in a couple of days.

2 days later- he's on the way home. Gets into a horrible car accident w/ a tractor w/ only one headlight working. A hit and run. Desar dies instantly. His oldest son's wedding was planned for next month. The bike he'd almost paid off--> gone. The craziest part is that I saw him more recently then his 4 kids and his wife because of that music performance 2 days prior. He was really good guy, always joking around. Quite upsetting. It's frightening how emotionally attached I am getting to this place.
....
It makes me question how far immersion into a community should go... a certain distance needs to be kept to remain effective and not get pulled into politics... but it is a crazy fine line to walk. I still can't believe it happened so suddenly.

Within a week of this accident, one of the women in the village *finally* had her baby. The circle of life continues. She went to the hospital, had the baby, and was back home in 2 hours. Do these women really need me to empower them? They're tough as nails I tell ya. The baby girl is soooo precious. I'm trying to get the mom to name her Rups. So far, the argument has been met w/ deaf ears. Persistance is key. I'll keep y'all posted.

Celebrated my first Holi (the festival of colors) in India. It was the most fun I've had in FOREVER! Amazing. Starts out playing in a field, throwing the colored powder on people, forever dying clothes reds, yellows, blues and greens... escalates into a waterfight once someone finds a hose. Then people start throwing mud and it is ALL OVER! It can prob be best described as a massive mudfight. Spectacular. My stomach hurt from laughing.

I've come to realize that those are some of the best moments to live for. Laughing until your stomach hurts, laughing til you cry.** Extremely vital and necessary. :)

I think I get too easily sidetracked by the little stresses of life (i.e. long lines, mosquitoes, money, being late, career frustrations, consequences that I do not control, not meeting others' expectations... so many things.) I forget that life is supposed to be happy. I forget that choosing to be happy and to enjoy the moments that matter are active choices.

I forget that they are my choices to make.

Past the halfway point

or, in other words, I am more done than I am not done. The ratio is tipping in the other direction. Eeeeeeep!

It frightens me at how comfortable I am in this space. It's like all the superfluous things to worry about were bared away and suddenly, all that's left are the important things. The little things that matter. I feel centered. Grounded. Focused. I feel the work I do matters. Once you get a taste of doing work that you care about, there's absolutely no going back.

I'm comfortable here, but sometimes I shake my head and laugh about how physically tolerant I have become: I am immune to the 2km walk to get fruits and veggies and the 1/2km for milk- daily. I'm dehydrated for better part of the day. My farmers tan is out of control. ;) My skin is super dark from running around in the sun all day and some how I'm always either recovering from a sickness or cut or bruised.
Case in point: I had my first hot shower in months this morning. Man, talk about appreciating the little things.... I'm on cloud nine.

My project is going well. I post a lot about my adventures here, but don't really talk about the work I do. So, this might get a little long, but here's what I have been up to work-wise:

Out of the 60 women in the Rural Design school, abt 12 to 15 of them are uber talented and rockstars when it comes down to color, design, composition, quality of work etc. The next step is to help them create portfolios for themselves and start an artists' collective. I want them to have a space that inspires innovation within the medium and watches out to make sure they aren't being exploited by outside markets, like a union. I'm also organizing an exhibition planned for them in the big citay of A'bad. "Contemporary Expressions," playing off of their innovations on a traditional craft.
....
So here's the cool thing about this year: I am not 100% decided on which direction to go in after this year (yeah, still), but the longer I am out here, the less I freak out about it. I'm helping the women found a artist collective. Teaching at the grade school (when the teachers don't come.) Running a kindergarten in the neighboring village. Mediating intra-village and inter-village politics. Helping build community within and between economic classes, genders, religions. Painting road signs. Breaking concrete. Building a community space (complete with getting the supplies- cement bags, wooden pillars, cement blocks.) Helping women create portfolios. Empowering them through example, through taking risks with their work, through not settling for anything. Marketing art. Monitoring women's health in the area. Organizing competitions, exhibitions, music performances. Trying to counter the negative long term effects of the relief efforts of four years ago. Doing it all in a language I am still learning.
Some of the projects I'll be working on in the next few months: Painting murals with the women on the sides of the buildings. Writing brochures about the Rural design school portfolios. Editing a collective book. Putting together a coffee table book on the rural design school. Creating my own portfolio. Designing a set of postcards. Creating a promotional video.
Where August will find me is still vague; the grayest of gray areas.... but the experiences I'm putting all up under my belt make me feel like I'll be ready for whatever comes my way.
It's a great feeling.

Summer is rollin in. It is hotter than hot. And this is only the beginning. But summer also marks the beginning of the mango season. This is the legend I have only heard about- a whole season devoted to mangos. Pretty excited.

Man, I hate links.
I hope this one works.

Missing the people at home a lot today. Notes to pass along:
Mom, you owe me a letter and copies of those jewelry designs.
Vim/Vish, come during the third week of July. :)
Ang, happy bday Oldie McPhereson.

A huge tackle hug to everyone else. Huge. And someone do some handstands in my name; I can't do them here. :)

Incognito

I think it's a good thing that I can't post pics up here. No one from home would recognize me anymore. My hair--> super long. Like longer than I've worn it in years. I am also crazy tan and losing weight from all this trekking around. However, the six-pack, as is perpetually my style, is still a work in progress, ever hindered by my love of peanut M&M's and ice cream. Some things never change. :)
I have also stopped apologizing for who I am. Hopefully, this is something that will stick.