Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
Learning to make a fist.
Apparently, I am really angry and upset. I didn't know.
I had a planning meeting today and I didn't know anything was wrong until I realized that I had been quiet the entire meeting. Me. Quiet. The entire meeting! Now, we all know that my work style is hyper-interactive, i.e. I talk a lot.
Life has been a bit of a rough ride recently. People misappropriating my trust, letting me down, being self absorbed and/or apathetic at the expense of others....
So here's what I realized: I SUCK at being angry. I don't think it is in my nature. It feels unconstructive and pointless. As BuddistRoops tells me, it's just negative energy that I have to channel into doing something positive. So, I try- I'll run hard, or teach, or write up a show...
In an NPR interview I heard the other day, the interviewee said that their anger was an incarnation of their idealism, i.e. their anger came from knowing that a situation, or the world, could be better. I shrug at that. It just doesn't seem healthy to have one's internal motivation inspired from a feeling as negative and destructive as anger.
But then again, maybe my coping mechanisms aren't so healthy either? Maybe channeling my anger into positive work is a form of denial. Because Brahma and Vishnu need Shiva. Like the yin and yang. Maybe it is my imbalance that holds me back. Maybe I need to allow myself to be angry and destructive to be whole.
Who knows? (And really, who cares?) I'm done.
What I do know is that I am frustrated. Because I have lessons I need to learn but I don't see them yet. Like I am staring at a stubborn magic eye.
And I am angry. That I don't have a radar that detects the people who somehow managed to grow into adulthood with the maturity of a high schooler.
I am angry that I don't know *how* to be angry,
and yet,
I really don't want to learn.
I am also angry that I don't have a glass of chocolate milk right now.
I am angry that I need a hug. And that the batting cages are closed at this hour.
Sigh.
I had a planning meeting today and I didn't know anything was wrong until I realized that I had been quiet the entire meeting. Me. Quiet. The entire meeting! Now, we all know that my work style is hyper-interactive, i.e. I talk a lot.
Life has been a bit of a rough ride recently. People misappropriating my trust, letting me down, being self absorbed and/or apathetic at the expense of others....
So here's what I realized: I SUCK at being angry. I don't think it is in my nature. It feels unconstructive and pointless. As BuddistRoops tells me, it's just negative energy that I have to channel into doing something positive. So, I try- I'll run hard, or teach, or write up a show...
In an NPR interview I heard the other day, the interviewee said that their anger was an incarnation of their idealism, i.e. their anger came from knowing that a situation, or the world, could be better. I shrug at that. It just doesn't seem healthy to have one's internal motivation inspired from a feeling as negative and destructive as anger.
But then again, maybe my coping mechanisms aren't so healthy either? Maybe channeling my anger into positive work is a form of denial. Because Brahma and Vishnu need Shiva. Like the yin and yang. Maybe it is my imbalance that holds me back. Maybe I need to allow myself to be angry and destructive to be whole.
Who knows? (And really, who cares?) I'm done.
What I do know is that I am frustrated. Because I have lessons I need to learn but I don't see them yet. Like I am staring at a stubborn magic eye.
And I am angry. That I don't have a radar that detects the people who somehow managed to grow into adulthood with the maturity of a high schooler.
I am angry that I don't know *how* to be angry,
and yet,
I really don't want to learn.
I am also angry that I don't have a glass of chocolate milk right now.
I am angry that I need a hug. And that the batting cages are closed at this hour.
Sigh.
Friday, July 14, 2006
They say the universe conspires to give you what you ask for.
I think this is true- and even more true when you are specific. The people that get what they want are the people that can articulate what they want. I'm still learning, but I think I am getting better at envisioning the things I would like to see happen.
Two calls for help:
1. GRANTS: Anyone who either wants to learn to write one,
OR has some seasoned eyes to help me look over a grant,
OR just wants to spend some quality time with me while I write one.....
shoot me an email.
2. I'm currently co-writing a few shows. There's one I am especially excited about: Some of my most talented friends in Chicago, who also happen to be some of my favorite people, are reuniting for an end of the summer show. So... if anyone has an idea or issue they would like to see addressed onstage, shoot me an email.
In general, life has been a crazy learning curve for me as of recent... but in a good way. Life unravels as it should.
Two calls for help:
1. GRANTS: Anyone who either wants to learn to write one,
OR has some seasoned eyes to help me look over a grant,
OR just wants to spend some quality time with me while I write one.....
shoot me an email.
2. I'm currently co-writing a few shows. There's one I am especially excited about: Some of my most talented friends in Chicago, who also happen to be some of my favorite people, are reuniting for an end of the summer show. So... if anyone has an idea or issue they would like to see addressed onstage, shoot me an email.
In general, life has been a crazy learning curve for me as of recent... but in a good way. Life unravels as it should.
Friday, July 07, 2006
My heroes of the day...
When Travel is the Best Medicine
Travel has become my antidote: the farther I go the more aware I become of what has kept me alive -- my desire to be in and of the world. Since my infection, I've traveled to Mexico twice, Europe, India, Asia and Africa, not to mention countless trips around the United States to commune with friends, family and nature. Travel brings us back into the world, back into our bodies, and -- quite literally for me -- back to life.
Traveling with H.I.V. or other chronic conditions need not be more complicated than any other limitation traveling presents. You learn, as travelers do, to take calculated risks, prepare yourself and know your body and your limits. But most of all, you can never let fear have the final say in where and how you travel. I think more than anything else I travel to sharpen my wits against fear; like a martial artist I need to keep my form. With H.I.V. it is easy to find reasons you can't do this or that. Besides this virus, we carry with us a built-in fear. In fact, if we aren't vigilant we become the fear itself, embodying unconsciously the worst nightmares of those around us. If I had listened to the fears of people I know or read about, I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today -- maybe breathing, but not alive. There's a difference.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *$1-a-day pilgrimage
You were living on a dollar a day, so I assume just on a practical level you needed help from other people.Guri: A dollar a day between the two of us. Even in India that's not a lot of money. Although we left home with this kind of "trust in the universe" theme, there was a lot of insecurity. Being raised in the U.S., we are so independent -- the concept of how we are all related in some way doesn't really sink in for us. But we were walking an average of 30 kilometers a day, and within that range we inevitably ran into someone good. It strengthened my faith in humanity.
There's a question posted on your personal Web site: "Do you have a spiritual teacher?" Your answer to that was, "Yes, you." Is it sometimes a struggle to see everyone as your teacher?
Nipun: I try to see life with reverence -- all life. When we were walking, we learned a lot of things. We learned to see the goodness in everybody, to try to learn from everybody and everything, even if it's just a tree. I mean, when you're walking and it's really hot, and you see a tree and you say, "Wow!" -- it's just there giving shade to you selflessly!
So I try to approach everything with humility. You never know what can teach you spiritual lessons you need to learn.
Many people are drawn to a life of service, but they're also worried about supporting themselves. How do you pay your bills as a full-time volunteer?
Guri: We value our time much more than money, so we live very simply and just work enough so we can live the way that we want to live.
While traveling, we realized that even the little we had taken with us -- we had three sets of clothes each -- was a lot. Coming back, we decided that we don't need all these clothes. And we don't need the latest car. We don't need all these gadgets. We think they are going to make our lives easier or make us happy, but they don't. So we live simply and use our time to do service.
One of your wedding vows is: "When it comes time to part, do you pledge to reflect on your time together with thankfulness for the ways in which you have grown, acceptance that all things are temporary and empty of inherent satisfaction, and joy that you met and shared what you have?" Why interject those not very happy thoughts into the ceremony?
Nipun: I see it as a happy thought. I think change is a very good thing. And I think when you embrace change, there is this constant joy to life. Both of us feel this way, and so we wanted on our wedding day to remember and realize that, yes, we will all die, yes, we will part -- in fact that is not a bad thing. We just wanted to bring it up front and say, "Look! Life has its ups and downs, and we love life!"
Guri: Death is an inevitable part of life. So we don't see it as sad. We see it as, If I remember that I'm going to die, I'm going to live today much more fully. If I think I'm here forever, I'm going to get too comfortable. So I think it empowers us. It makes me appreciate life. It makes me appreciate the time that we do have together.
Do you have any advice for people who want to open-source themselves in this copyright-crazy world?
Nipun: I would say trust. You are not alone, and you don't have to secure everything in your own little silo in the world. Everything changes and there is beauty to that. It's OK if you are not in the 401(k) plan. It's OK if you are not worried about how you are going to survive 20 years from now. So I would say: "Be bold. Greet the change. Live in the now."
Monday, June 26, 2006
26 years later... ,
My birthday weekend was beautiful! So, so impressed with how many people remembered! Thank you for the love!
This trip has been *really* good for me. I feel like I'm learning a whole lot.
On the 'work' side, I went to the Asian American Theater Conference representing YAWP!, the performance workshop where I mentor and teach. Spent some quality time with the youth, which was great. Also, I met some of the professors at UCLA- (I don't know yet, but the grad program is still a possibility.) Helped out with the Artwallah festival- got to paint a gallery wall red- and finally met Chamindika. And, it turns out I might actually get paid for teaching creative writing at a summer workshop (an income would be a step in the right direction!)
On the 'marathon training' side, yes, Mom, I'm keeping up. My runs are now up to 12 miles (!!!). For one of the runs, I hiked through Pasadena instead. Ended up swimming in a waterfall we discovered at the end of the trail. The moment was surreal.
On the 'super fly fantastic' random side (Greg's existential phrase), I randomly ran into a Raju in LA (a guy I worked with at my first exhibition at Manav Sadhna, India). He and his friend, Scrubs, made it their mission to make sure my b-day was unforgettable. So, through them, I met my first encounter with 'saki bombs' AND found my newest surfing teacher.
Also, I'm getting to spend some quality time with Kristi + Josh, Moni and co., Anup, and Ankur. Pankaj is flying in tomorrow.
Life has been really good to me.
This trip has been *really* good for me. I feel like I'm learning a whole lot.
On the 'work' side, I went to the Asian American Theater Conference representing YAWP!, the performance workshop where I mentor and teach. Spent some quality time with the youth, which was great. Also, I met some of the professors at UCLA- (I don't know yet, but the grad program is still a possibility.) Helped out with the Artwallah festival- got to paint a gallery wall red- and finally met Chamindika. And, it turns out I might actually get paid for teaching creative writing at a summer workshop (an income would be a step in the right direction!)
On the 'marathon training' side, yes, Mom, I'm keeping up. My runs are now up to 12 miles (!!!). For one of the runs, I hiked through Pasadena instead. Ended up swimming in a waterfall we discovered at the end of the trail. The moment was surreal.
On the 'super fly fantastic' random side (Greg's existential phrase), I randomly ran into a Raju in LA (a guy I worked with at my first exhibition at Manav Sadhna, India). He and his friend, Scrubs, made it their mission to make sure my b-day was unforgettable. So, through them, I met my first encounter with 'saki bombs' AND found my newest surfing teacher.
Also, I'm getting to spend some quality time with Kristi + Josh, Moni and co., Anup, and Ankur. Pankaj is flying in tomorrow.
Life has been really good to me.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Love from CA
Now *this* is a doctor.
---
California is surreal. I think the state should be elected its own planet. Apparently, some car and highway companies made a deal with the govt. to pump the state's money into highways instead of public transportation. It's crazy to see the aftermath one supposed deal between probably a few key players a long time ago. Traffic is insane, yet cars are the only way to get around.
And, I've come to an exciting discovery: I can skateboard. (!!) Yay, latent skills!
---
California is surreal. I think the state should be elected its own planet. Apparently, some car and highway companies made a deal with the govt. to pump the state's money into highways instead of public transportation. It's crazy to see the aftermath one supposed deal between probably a few key players a long time ago. Traffic is insane, yet cars are the only way to get around.
And, I've come to an exciting discovery: I can skateboard. (!!) Yay, latent skills!
Monday, June 05, 2006
It's hard not to be upset with the world sometimes...
... especially when big systems make me feel small and helpless, like today. How do you stay positive and constructive and pushing forward? How do you choose your fight? How do you focus when there is so much to do?
The bill for a recent overnight hospitalization (not me) were just under $9,000! For people who have health insurance, it's usually covered. But what about those who are uninsured? The health insurance industry is a huge machine in the US. Does our current system cover and effectively watch out for the majority of the population? The thought that it may not upsets me.
Another thing that upsets me is general apathy and entitlement when it comes to the environment... everything seems to be getting bigger, more durable, and yet more disposable. I run in the mornings before the garbage is picked up, and over the past 2 weeks I've seen people throw away a foozball table, three tv's, a still-white sofa set, a not-broken sled, two mountain bikes... why don't they spend five minutes finding a place to donate this stuff? Or have a garage sale? Or sell it on Ebay? Is it laziness? I just don't get it. Maybe garbage dumps need to be more visible to show people that garbage doesn't just disappear? It makes me a bit angry.
but then Vince will remind me that nothing good comes from being angry. And Nikhil will remind me that I have to do as much as I can. ... maybe I have to learn how to let go of trying to be everywhere at once. I guess it's easier said than done.
-----------------
Speaking of Vincenzo- Feel better soon buddy!!! I'm sorry you hurt. :( Huge hug to you.
------------------
Quote of the day: "Hey, what do you care about more: gay rights, immigration, or the effect of gay immigrants on gas prices?" (by someone anonymous, who may or may not be my brother...)
The bill for a recent overnight hospitalization (not me) were just under $9,000! For people who have health insurance, it's usually covered. But what about those who are uninsured? The health insurance industry is a huge machine in the US. Does our current system cover and effectively watch out for the majority of the population? The thought that it may not upsets me.
Another thing that upsets me is general apathy and entitlement when it comes to the environment... everything seems to be getting bigger, more durable, and yet more disposable. I run in the mornings before the garbage is picked up, and over the past 2 weeks I've seen people throw away a foozball table, three tv's, a still-white sofa set, a not-broken sled, two mountain bikes... why don't they spend five minutes finding a place to donate this stuff? Or have a garage sale? Or sell it on Ebay? Is it laziness? I just don't get it. Maybe garbage dumps need to be more visible to show people that garbage doesn't just disappear? It makes me a bit angry.
but then Vince will remind me that nothing good comes from being angry. And Nikhil will remind me that I have to do as much as I can. ... maybe I have to learn how to let go of trying to be everywhere at once. I guess it's easier said than done.
-----------------
Speaking of Vincenzo- Feel better soon buddy!!! I'm sorry you hurt. :( Huge hug to you.
------------------
Quote of the day: "Hey, what do you care about more: gay rights, immigration, or the effect of gay immigrants on gas prices?" (by someone anonymous, who may or may not be my brother...)
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Bush's tax cuts will create jobs for the likes of diamond-tip cane polishers and monocle-smiths. John Hodgman of Daily Show
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Memorial Day was spectacular- everything that summer should be (frisbee, BBQ, the beach, fireworks, helping mom garden, opening the pool, the patio bars in Chicago...) you couldn't force me inside if you paid me.
AND-- Bike the Drive was this past Sunday- so amazing! The CBF blocks cars off of Lake Shore Drive for a morning and allows only bicycles. Start to finish I did about 34 miles with four friends and 20,000 bikers (and, despite betting pools wagering otherwise, I didn't die)... (well, as far as I know).
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As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. --Marianne Williamson
------------
Memorial Day was spectacular- everything that summer should be (frisbee, BBQ, the beach, fireworks, helping mom garden, opening the pool, the patio bars in Chicago...) you couldn't force me inside if you paid me.
AND-- Bike the Drive was this past Sunday- so amazing! The CBF blocks cars off of Lake Shore Drive for a morning and allows only bicycles. Start to finish I did about 34 miles with four friends and 20,000 bikers (and, despite betting pools wagering otherwise, I didn't die)... (well, as far as I know).
--------------
As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. --Marianne Williamson
updates
1. Chicago marathon registration will likely be capped by the end of this week... if you're thinking about running it- sooner is the word on registration people, not later.
2. I finally decided to plug back in- I got a cell phone. It's proof for Johanna that I don't plan on leaving the country anytime soon. At least for my 2 year contract. :)
2. I finally decided to plug back in- I got a cell phone. It's proof for Johanna that I don't plan on leaving the country anytime soon. At least for my 2 year contract. :)
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
*sigh*
When he was a baby, I used to stare at my brother for hours at a time... and I would imagine what he would be like when he grew up - what he'd look like, what he'd do, whether he'd like me, whether we'd be friends ...
Slowly, Vim got bigger. Me and him would run up to Ba and Dada's upstairs balcony, throw helicopter leaves off, run down, gather them and do it again... We played in sprinklers and on the slip-n-slide (don't pretend you all didn't have one!), teased vish, played catch on the stoop outside, camped in the backyard, planted tomatoes with our grandmother, played in the basement (where I would scare him with our Mr. T mask), did everything that little kids do...
(We built a million memories because we always had each other, even when no one else wanted to play. )
A few years ago, he shot up, and is now considerably taller than me. If that wasn't enough, last weekend, that punk had the nerve to graduate college!
Slowly, Vim got bigger. Me and him would run up to Ba and Dada's upstairs balcony, throw helicopter leaves off, run down, gather them and do it again... We played in sprinklers and on the slip-n-slide (don't pretend you all didn't have one!), teased vish, played catch on the stoop outside, camped in the backyard, planted tomatoes with our grandmother, played in the basement (where I would scare him with our Mr. T mask), did everything that little kids do...
(We built a million memories because we always had each other, even when no one else wanted to play. )
A few years ago, he shot up, and is now considerably taller than me. If that wasn't enough, last weekend, that punk had the nerve to graduate college!
Fortunately, he's grown up to be so beautiful- inside out. Better than I could have ever imagined back when I would stare and wonder about the future him. Proud doesn't even begin to cut it Vimz. Love you brother. 
----------
On a similar note, my baby, JenMasterFunk, is now 
** Dr. Jennifer Garcia. ** Holy lord. Happy freakin Diwali. ;)
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And, last but certainly not least, Vincenzo also claims to have graduated this spring. However, he also claims that his "graduation gown" was conveniently "returned" the day "before" I "saw" him. Consequently, there is no photographic evidence of his alleged aforementioned "Masters Degree." Feel free to draw your own conclusions....
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Starting small...
starting with the kids.
"The community of Neve Shalom/Wahat al-Salam (NSWAS) has been nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize....
... the Primary School at NSWAS was the first bilingual, bicultural school in Israel and has been a pioneer of bilingual, binational education in the region, with an administrative and teaching structure equally shared and run by Palestinians and Jews. Further, the School for Peace is an internationally renowned conflict management institution, leading the field in binational dialogue programs. "
- The MidEastConnect (the complete article)
"The community of Neve Shalom/Wahat al-Salam (NSWAS) has been nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize....
... the Primary School at NSWAS was the first bilingual, bicultural school in Israel and has been a pioneer of bilingual, binational education in the region, with an administrative and teaching structure equally shared and run by Palestinians and Jews. Further, the School for Peace is an internationally renowned conflict management institution, leading the field in binational dialogue programs. "
- The MidEastConnect (the complete article)