incessant ramblings

ok. I haven't written here or to anyone or in my journal in about 234823094 years. In fact, I don't think I've written in any reflective form since my flight to the states... mid Nov. Since I stepped off that plane, life has been insane, and my thoughts have been in overdrive. I thought I had a handle on the whole 'culture shock' thing with the traveling I've done. But the difference this time was living, like *really* living here. Not feeling transitory. Being accepted in a way that I never felt in Milan despite how much I blended in.

I can crack jokes in Gujarati. I have a hold on Hindi. I can get people to believe I was born and raised here. The most empowering thing about my position is that I have choice. I can choose the best of both worlds... I get to decide the parts of me that I want to be 'Indian' and the parts of me I want to be 'American.'

Helping out with the friends without borders ( www.friendswithoutborders.com ) project. Was up til about 3 am putting the ‘world’s biggest’ card together in Mumbai. Not easy. Then ended up filming for their event in Abad- climbing train tracks and buildings to get the best shots, jumping in other peoples’ cabs… so fun. But these folks are hard-core committed to their message. And the spots already on the site are beautiful- check them out.

In any case, I was sitting on the bus the day before yesterday in Mumbai. (If you ever want to see the widest economic disparities ever, visit Mumbai... I have an uncle who makes the equivalent of 200k dollars in rupees... I have also met a woman who sleeps on the side of the road with all of her belongings as her pillow.) On the bus, a woman sat down in front of me. She was extremely pale (read: rich), short hair, older, wearing a freshly-ironed, super expensive salwar. (let's call her Old money.) Next stop- a woman sits down next to Old Money. New woman has a synthetic batik sari on, really dark skin (translation: hard labor worker), long hair up in a bun. Old Money puts a hand on her purse, moves her scarf, and moves over- practically smashing herself into the glass. I couldn't help starting a conversation with Old Money in my head:
"are you afraid the woman next to you is dirty? (she wasn't). are you afraid that being poor is contagious? do you really think you are all that different from her?... "

The incident made me really grateful for how I lived last year. When I first arrived, I would do things like cringe if an ant was crawling on me, or check under the mattress, or scream at a lizard in the room. Now, I think back to all the random places I have slept and ate and been… and I laugh about how much I have changed. (But it’s amazing to see myself grow so tangibly. It’s addictive.) Living like that puts everything in a different light. My experiences aren’t so dependent on the external circumstances of the situation anymore; it’s become about connecting with people. I know I can sit with anyone, anywhere and cut past the typical BS. Like that Oriah Mountain Dreamer poem… I don’t want to know who you are or where you come from. I want to figure out what it is that makes you come alive. I want to know what makes you impatient and want to jump out of your seat to get started. I want to know what is stopping you from throwing your full weight into trying to make your passion a reality. (It’s the realization that finally makes me feel like I am ready to be a teacher.)

It’s like we are all given this lump of clay. We can shape it and make it into whatever we choose. When we are little, there are hands on ours (parents, teachers, older siblings), teaching us how to shape, mold and form ourselves…. giving us tools to do it ourselves. But we fall into traps of always needing another pair of hands helping us shape. Or needing others to give us the tools we need. Why are we so afraid to try ourselves and see what we can come up with? What stops us from taking creative license over our own lives??? (And everyone at this point is thinking “but I have responsibilities and payments and expectations to fill and …..” These are all excuses; we choose to be a victim of our lives or an active player. There is *always* a way to make things happen- sometimes the path is tougher).

Granted, I do not have all the answers. I know there’s a ton of people who look at the decisions I have made and shake their heads. Let them. I had a breakdown the other day, and Arch, one of the most on-point women I have ever met, asked me if I had any regrets of any of the decisions I have made. I had to think about it for a minute- but I realized that I don’t. I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made or action I have taken. It always works out for the best in retrospect.. . sometimes it is just hard to remember. And sometimes I have a hard time knowing I can’t control everything about my own future. My faith is always tested in those moments… but those are the moments that shape who I am becoming. And I like who I am becoming. No regrets. Life is exactly as it should be.

Happy Valentines Day!

AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jennaiya, my freakin roommate for life, has been a foundation of my life since 1st yr U of I. DB, one of the best guys ever, finally proposed after their 2987 yrs of dating. Married. My baby's getting married.

Sara, my 2% from high school, is in some serious trouble with all the stories I've got on her from over the years. Her and Josh are getting married too... Holy Lord.

I'm in both weddings b/c I love them so much. I need to lie down- I can't believe this craziness. I am so blessed.

(Got 3 of the most creative valentines ever- however, only 1 is ok to put up here. Thanks V.)

the good, bad, funny and WTF?!?!?

GOOD: My little brother is a grown up. He graduates college in May... (People are officially grown ups after college- it's a rule). He's a fireball activist prepping to change the world... currently working on a political campaign- as press secretary. He is leading a team of people!!! I'm beaming. I can't even think about it without my eyes beginning to well up.... the world has been so good to me.

BAD: Life and the writing/film projects I am working on have hit some bumps in the road. It's like I'm working on a shaky foundation because fundamental things keep changing. I'll talk about it later... but I'm super frustrated.

FUNNY: In the midst of my frustration, I have been calling people at home ... and apparently the phone place I use (really cheap) comes up as a New Jersey number. (Prob why it's so cheap). In any case, I am NOT in Jersey. To set the record straight- I am in India. But if you get a call from Jersey- pick it up. It's me.

WTF: ?!?!?!? Sara freakin 2% Baker, one of my closest friends from high school- is now engaged. AAAAAAAAAAA! Congrats babydoll. So excited for you!

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry