The greatest religion is to be true to your own nature.

-Swami Vivekanand

Apparently, I ain't just a river in Egypt

I'm also a valley, a village and a peak. Jealous? Yeah, I thought so.

:) thanks vish

Learning to make a fist.

Apparently, I am really angry and upset. I didn't know.

I had a planning meeting today and I didn't know anything was wrong until I realized that I had been quiet the entire meeting. Me. Quiet. The entire meeting! Now, we all know that my work style is hyper-interactive, i.e. I talk a lot.

Life has been a bit of a rough ride recently. People misappropriating my trust, letting me down, being self absorbed and/or apathetic at the expense of others....

So here's what I realized: I SUCK at being angry. I don't think it is in my nature. It feels unconstructive and pointless. As BuddistRoops tells me, it's just negative energy that I have to channel into doing something positive. So, I try- I'll run hard, or teach, or write up a show...

In an NPR interview I heard the other day, the interviewee said that their anger was an incarnation of their idealism, i.e. their anger came from knowing that a situation, or the world, could be better. I shrug at that. It just doesn't seem healthy to have one's internal motivation inspired from a feeling as negative and destructive as anger.

But then again, maybe my coping mechanisms aren't so healthy either? Maybe channeling my anger into positive work is a form of denial. Because Brahma and Vishnu need Shiva. Like the yin and yang. Maybe it is my imbalance that holds me back. Maybe I need to allow myself to be angry and destructive to be whole.

Who knows? (And really, who cares?) I'm done.

What I do know is that I am frustrated. Because I have lessons I need to learn but I don't see them yet. Like I am staring at a stubborn magic eye.

And I am angry. That I don't have a radar that detects the people who somehow managed to grow into adulthood with the maturity of a high schooler.

I am angry that I don't know *how* to be angry,
and yet,
I really don't want to learn.

I am also angry that I don't have a glass of chocolate milk right now.

I am angry that I need a hug. And that the batting cages are closed at this hour.

Sigh.

They say the universe conspires to give you what you ask for.

I think this is true- and even more true when you are specific. The people that get what they want are the people that can articulate what they want. I'm still learning, but I think I am getting better at envisioning the things I would like to see happen.

Two calls for help:

1. GRANTS: Anyone who either wants to learn to write one,
OR has some seasoned eyes to help me look over a grant,
OR just wants to spend some quality time with me while I write one.....
shoot me an email.

2. I'm currently co-writing a few shows. There's one I am especially excited about: Some of my most talented friends in Chicago, who also happen to be some of my favorite people, are reuniting for an end of the summer show. So... if anyone has an idea or issue they would like to see addressed onstage, shoot me an email.

In general, life has been a crazy learning curve for me as of recent... but in a good way. Life unravels as it should.

My heroes of the day...

When Travel is the Best Medicine

Travel has become my antidote: the farther I go the more aware I become of what has kept me alive -- my desire to be in and of the world. Since my infection, I've traveled to Mexico twice, Europe, India, Asia and Africa, not to mention countless trips around the United States to commune with friends, family and nature. Travel brings us back into the world, back into our bodies, and -- quite literally for me -- back to life.

Traveling with H.I.V. or other chronic conditions need not be more complicated than any other limitation traveling presents. You learn, as travelers do, to take calculated risks, prepare yourself and know your body and your limits. But most of all, you can never let fear have the final say in where and how you travel. I think more than anything else I travel to sharpen my wits against fear; like a martial artist I need to keep my form. With H.I.V. it is easy to find reasons you can't do this or that. Besides this virus, we carry with us a built-in fear. In fact, if we aren't vigilant we become the fear itself, embodying unconsciously the worst nightmares of those around us. If I had listened to the fears of people I know or read about, I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today -- maybe breathing, but not alive. There's a difference.

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$1-a-day pilgrimage

You were living on a dollar a day, so I assume just on a practical level you needed help from other people.

Guri: A dollar a day between the two of us. Even in India that's not a lot of money. Although we left home with this kind of "trust in the universe" theme, there was a lot of insecurity. Being raised in the U.S., we are so independent -- the concept of how we are all related in some way doesn't really sink in for us. But we were walking an average of 30 kilometers a day, and within that range we inevitably ran into someone good. It strengthened my faith in humanity.

There's a question posted on your personal Web site: "Do you have a spiritual teacher?" Your answer to that was, "Yes, you." Is it sometimes a struggle to see everyone as your teacher?

Nipun: I try to see life with reverence -- all life. When we were walking, we learned a lot of things. We learned to see the goodness in everybody, to try to learn from everybody and everything, even if it's just a tree. I mean, when you're walking and it's really hot, and you see a tree and you say, "Wow!" -- it's just there giving shade to you selflessly!

So I try to approach everything with humility. You never know what can teach you spiritual lessons you need to learn.

Many people are drawn to a life of service, but they're also worried about supporting themselves. How do you pay your bills as a full-time volunteer?

Guri: We value our time much more than money, so we live very simply and just work enough so we can live the way that we want to live.

While traveling, we realized that even the little we had taken with us -- we had three sets of clothes each -- was a lot. Coming back, we decided that we don't need all these clothes. And we don't need the latest car. We don't need all these gadgets. We think they are going to make our lives easier or make us happy, but they don't. So we live simply and use our time to do service.

One of your wedding vows is: "When it comes time to part, do you pledge to reflect on your time together with thankfulness for the ways in which you have grown, acceptance that all things are temporary and empty of inherent satisfaction, and joy that you met and shared what you have?" Why interject those not very happy thoughts into the ceremony?

Nipun: I see it as a happy thought. I think change is a very good thing. And I think when you embrace change, there is this constant joy to life. Both of us feel this way, and so we wanted on our wedding day to remember and realize that, yes, we will all die, yes, we will part -- in fact that is not a bad thing. We just wanted to bring it up front and say, "Look! Life has its ups and downs, and we love life!"

Guri: Death is an inevitable part of life. So we don't see it as sad. We see it as, If I remember that I'm going to die, I'm going to live today much more fully. If I think I'm here forever, I'm going to get too comfortable. So I think it empowers us. It makes me appreciate life. It makes me appreciate the time that we do have together.

Do you have any advice for people who want to open-source themselves in this copyright-crazy world?

Nipun: I would say trust. You are not alone, and you don't have to secure everything in your own little silo in the world. Everything changes and there is beauty to that. It's OK if you are not in the 401(k) plan. It's OK if you are not worried about how you are going to survive 20 years from now. So I would say: "Be bold. Greet the change. Live in the now."

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