My first magazine!!

So excited!! The first magazine that I edited is out. It's a compilation of writing from the community writing groups in Englewood, Hyde Park, Uptown and the Near West side. Shoot me an email if you want a copy or subscription. :) The cover and an excerpt are below. Yay!

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"Step Over"
JOT Summer 2006 edition

SELF-PORTRAIT WITH BULLETPROOF VEST
C Clements
I have been branded to indignation brazenly
outlawed on WALL STREET for hobbling past the
BOARD of TRADE like a mummy wrapped in
ticker tape.
I have been banned from city parks for spoiling grilled
steaks by jogging past them in the nude.
Have been bounced by local libraries for scaling the
stairs shouting German manifestos then SLIDING DOWN the
BANNISTER on a AD GLISSANO
Ritalin rusH-H-H!
I Archomelodramsus was born under a black and white rainbow symbol of
poverty.
Therefore my pot is filled not with gold but with hobo stew.
At an early age I was crowned a child-king of the turfs of beggars.
From that day on I slept in the finest palaces known to the gutter.
Now I move like a gypsy in & out over & under top to bottom always
down and out
sometimes working for MENSA as a washroom janitor—
Flushing commodes overflowing with the urine of genius.
In my spare eternity I write innumerable poems to justify my
numerous justifications.
A tragicomedic shadow on the walls of reading rooms where I am
characterized as obscure obsessed and obscene. And so I am!
As an erotic poet I limit my verse to inspired moans.
A salacious licker of pernicious…stamps!
An excommunicated germ in a cathedral of devout streptococci…
A pubic hair in the Quaker’s virgin oatmeal!

White Progressives Don’t Get It By Rinku Sen

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(Great article, though it seems unfair to try to label all white progressives -- R)
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Policies designed without racial justice goals can actually deepen the divide, while creating the illusion that they've taken care of everyone.

Every few years, a white progressive man begs activists to reject racial questions and focus on the “real” agenda. The latest is Walter Benn Michaels, head of the English Department at the University of Illinois at Chicago, who wrote the book The Trouble with Diversity: How We Learned to Love Identity and Ignore Inequality, and who was recently featured on this site (“Is Diversity Enough?” October).

Rather than saving democracy or liberating the working class, the argument goes, progressives have been forced by narrow-minded people of color to obsess about whether they have one of each kind on their conference panels or college faculties. In this narrative, identity politics is to blame for the inability of progressives to stick together, thereby making room for the rise of conservatism. Michaels says as much, barely acknowledging any other factors, including the right wing’s brilliant (and highly racialized) campaigns to establish its ideas in the American consciousness.

For 20 years, I have worked as an organizer and journalist in racial justice organizations owned and operated by people of color, hoping to contribute to a vibrant larger movement. My current employer, the Applied Research Center, holds that it’s important to be “explicit about race but not exclusive.” That’s not diversity; it’s a sensible analysis for a complicated world.

Analysts like Michaels repeatedly harp on “diversity” as if that’s the only measure of racial progress. That reflects their deep lack of connection with actual communities and their cluelessness about the role that race plays in economics and democracy. They want to write off racism as a distraction from universal solutions, or as a divide-and-conquer tactic to split the working class.

Universal solutions, however, have to deal with discrimination if they’re to be truly universal. Policies designed without racial justice goals can actually deepen the divide, while creating the illusion that they’ve taken care of everyone.

I also often hear that rather than highlighting racial disparities in healthcare, rampant though they are, we should fight for universal healthcare. But if public healthcare were enough to prevent discrimination, then Canada and the United Kingdom wouldn’t have any health disparities. But they do. A study published in July’s American Journal of Public Health reported that nearly twice as many non-white Canadians needed medicines but could not afford them as their white counterparts, and that 18.6 percent of non-whites had unmet healthcare needs as opposed to 11.1 percent of whites.

Racism leads Americans to make political decisions that undermine their own interests. The current attack on our civil liberties was tested on non-citizens, not after 9/11 but as early as 1996 with hardly a peep out of anybody. That year’s Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act allowed the president to label organizations “terrorist” without any appeal or review, lifted a restriction against the FBI on investigations based on speech or beliefs, and let the Federal government deport or jail immigrants indefinitely for their affiliations or political activity. This is not divide and conquer; it’s about getting white folk used to the practice of shrinking rights for others—so that they will eventually tolerate it for themselves.

In 2003, when Howard Dean said he wanted to reach out to southern men who had Confederate flags on their pickups, he was forced by both southerners and blacks to apologize. Dean was on the right track but unable (perhaps from lack of practice?) to articulate what needed to be said—that white southerners had allowed racism to lead them to vote against their own self-interest. White people who absorb racist ideas always think they’ll be exempt from the loss.

If racism dilutes progressive solutions, racial justice can improve life for everyone. Racial justice activists have learned all we could from identity-based movements. First, identity is key—we all start with what is in front of us, as true for white men as for anyone else. But identity doesn’t replace ideas, hence, the difference between “diversity” and justice. Racial justice is about changing the rules of society according to a set of standards: resisting discrimination and violence, not abiding huge disparities, and expanding the role of government to protect economic, social and political rights.

It is white progressives who are stuck on identity politics; progressives of color have long since moved on. The resulting agenda requires far more from the nation, and from our movement, than representation. The failure to incorporate racial justice into a progressive program has deprived progressivism of its true potential—to build a better world for all of us.

A joke after my own heart

care of mentalfloss, the greatest random magazine ever.

Marathon 2006. We did it!!!

Yay! My mom and I brought in Diwali running the 26.2 mile Chicago Marathon! Getting to watch my mom pass that finish line was worth all the training.

Beautiful, so freakin beautiful.

Final times:

Rups

Finish Time: 5:11:31

Placement: 27884

Pace: 11:52

Punita

Finish Time: 7:23:31

Placement: 33577

Pace: 16:54

October 22- call for help!

Yesterday, I ran my last pre-race long run: 22 miles. Holy God.

After mile 15, I stopped and almost started crying. Running hurts, as does the fear of not finishing the race.

Here's what I realized: as much as running is a mental test, i.e. how far can you push your mind over your body, external forces account for a lot. Translation: I run better w/ other people running, and I push myself harder when I am reminded that people care if I finish.

So, if you are free on October 22, please, please, please come and support and yell for me and my mom to finish this mofo. Miles 18 through finish will be the toughest. If there's even a chance you can come, email me and I can send you the bib info. Apparently, there's a system where you can get text msgs of where we are on the course.

Eeesh. I haven't been this nervous in a looooooong time.

A great end to a great day!

Shashi just sent this to me and it made me sooo happy! This guy's my soulmate. Me, in boy form. :)

In other news, I'm employed! Last week, I had no job. Now, I have TWO! I'm the new Program Director of a literary arts organization in Chicago (by default, I'm also the Associate Editor of the journal they publish). And, the schedule is flexible enough so that I can keep teaching performance with After School Matters at Senn. Yay!

Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble any second. Then decide what to do with your time.

Naomi Shihab Nye

I've been told...

that I give too much credit to the people around me. However, I don't mind it b/c it's the side product of feeling like everyone I meet, and everyone in my life, has something to teach me. I am always so in awe of the beautiful people that I have, and have had, in my life. Guri Mehta, one of the founders of CharityFocus, is one of those people. I met her in India and am still inspired by her consistent effort to find, and contribute to, the good in the world:

"It’s always so inspiring to hear him (Nipun) speak. On the day-to-day basis, it’s easy to forget the special-ness of the people around us. But when you hear them share something from their heart, it serves as a great reminder of what they stand for."

"Much of our history, the history of humanity is around us yet we never stop to learn from it. Everything that we do, everything that we go through -- has all happened before, hundreds of times. Yet we continue to make the same mistakes, again and again -- often feeling like a lone soldier in our struggles."

Though I should, I haven't talked to her since India. Just goes to show that you aren't always aware of how your life ripples out to effect and inspire others.

_________________________

In other news, marathon training is getting out of control: I did 20 miles yesterday. Discovered that running is more mental than anything else...(which, technically, I didn't discover b/c I've heard people say it time and time again...). The truth of the statement didn't sink in until yesterday, halfway through my mileage, I caught my mind trying to rationalize why I should stop. I realized that thinking I was tired made me feel more tired, and I decided to push harder. Mind over body; it's easier said than done, in a ratio of 10 to 1.

Exciting times...

Life has been a bit crazy recently. The million cover letters I sent out have finally paid off. I've been interviewing like a mad woman- have two this week, had two last week. Hopefully something will pan out soon (keep those fingers crossed for me people!). I've been extremely picky with job choices, but only b/c I've seen what I am capable of when I am inspired. I don't want to settle for anything less than that.

In other news, the show with Public Square and Silk Road tomorrow carries many firsts:
1. It's the first time we are getting paid for writing and performing a show.
2. It's the first time a show sold out AND there is an apparently long waiting list (granted, there are many other amazing people featured in the night... but still).
3. And, it's the first time I get the chance to share a stage with Tina Ramirez, Sam del Rosario, Vincenzo, and Vimz.
It's almost too beautiful to be true.

Happy Birthday Vincenzo!

Sept. 9th Garba at Lemont

Navratri 2006 is coming up with a quickness. My mom is organizing a Garba at Lemont Temple on Saturday. Tickets are $8 but you have to get them through someone (i.e. crowd control- to keep the crazies away and safety in check... no one wants to repeat the Concord fiascos from back in the day). Anyway, I'd love to see you there... shoot me an email if you want tickets. :)

Congratulations!

Josh and Sara are now MARRIED. Eeeeeeeeep! Congratulations Baby!

Reality check.

Did you know that the highest divorce rate is Nevada? At least as of 2004.

And where's the lowest divorce rate? Massachusetts, the first to legalize gay marriage.

Interesting.... :)

My experiments with science

Two theorys I have discovered:

1. Like attracts like... especially when it comes to passion and depression.

i.e. Since January, I've hit some rough spots.. and often found myself in conversations that focus on all the reasons there are to feel sad/angry/victimized by circumstances.

Fortunately, more recently, I rediscovered a lot of the energy I have for the things I care about... like writing/performing/creating new platforms for artists in Chicago. And, slowly, I'm with people with the same passion, in conversations where my hands have to race my voice to explain my ideas. :) So yay, back on track. (more specifically, I had some great conversations during an interview with Jonald, the amazing Chicago-ite directing That Asian Thing. ... which you should definitely check out and support. Inspiring people are everywhere when you are looking for them.)

2. Peanut butter jars (plastic) and cell phones bounce unexpectedly high when accidently dropped.

(signing a personal waiver: these theories may or may not have already been discovered. I'm no scientist.)

___________________________________________________

Also, performing Sept 13th at Silk Road Chicago. Details below:


The Public Square at the Illinois Humanities Council presents:

The Exotic and Mysterious Other:Orientalism, the Legacy of Colonialism and the Complexities of Desire and Interracial Dating

September 13th, 5:30-7:30 PM, dinner is included. Reservations are necessary and required and places are limited. Please email info@thepublicsquare.org or call 312-422-5580 to make a reservation. East Randolph- Silk Road Oasis

Co-sponsored by Chicago Cultural Center, Applied Research Center, the Asian American Leadership council of the Chicago Foundation for Women, the Asian American Artists Collective, and the Center for Asian Arts and Media at Columbia College.

Please join us for an in-depth exploration of the complex, personal, and political topic of interracial dating. The event promises to be an engaging evening of intellectualstimulation mixed with delectable food, drink, and empowerment. Guest speakers will include Rinku Sen and Mae Ngai. There will also be a short performance by Rups and Vincent Pham and a short film by Kip Fulbeck.

Love may be blind, but can it be color-blind? The romantic vision of the Middle East and Asia held by the West has been defined by the activist and intellectual Edward Said as a mixture of racist assumptions, intertwined with and underpinned by colonialist desire to conquer the so-called "Other." The exotification of the mysterious Asia was a preface to conquering and dominating Eastern civilizations by the West.

Today in the U.S., statistics show that the largest group of interracial couples consists of white men and Asian women. Do representations of the East in popular culture and in the contemporary consciousness shape western male desire and inform our ideas of romance? If so, how?

How are the historical and political reconciled within intimate relationships? How do we challenge exotification, ensure equity, and simultaneously demand legitimacy for interracial relationships?

More about our presenters...

Some Questions for 28 Kisses , a short film by Kip Fulbeck, force-feeds the viewer scores of all-too-familiar Asian female/Caucasian male pairings in Hollywood films, and combines them with contemporary excerpts from best-selling novels, magazines, and dating services. Some Questions For 28 Kisses delves into the causes and purposes of these created images and their relation to interracial dating, ethnic fetishes, race and gender wars, and identity.
" Leads the viewer on a delightfully rip-roaring jaunt through the Asian Pacific American psyche." --Gerard Lim, Asian Week

Rinku Sen is the President and Executive Director of the Applied Research Center (ARC) and Publisher of ColorLines magazine. She started her organizing career as a student activist at Brown University, fighting race, gender and class discrimination on campuses. She received a B.A. in Women’s Studies from Brown University in 1988 and an M.A. in Journalism at Columbia University. She has written extensively about immigration, community organizing and women’s lives for a wide variety of publications including Third Force, AlterNet, tompaine.com, Race, Poverty & the Environment, Amerasia Journal and Colorlines. She edited We are the Ones We Are Waiting For: Women of Color Organizing for Transformation published by the Urban Rural Missions of the World Council of Churches in 1995. She was the principal investigator on research projects for the Ford and Ms foundations. Her latest book, Stir It Up: Lessons in Community Organizing, was released in the fall of 2003.

From 1988-2000 she was on the staff of the Center for Third World Organizing (CTWO), a national network of organizations of color. As a staff member, then Co-Director of CTWO, she trained new organizers of color and crafted public policy campaigns around poverty, education, racial and gender equity, health care and immigration issues. She is a board member of the Center for Third World Organizing, the Schott Foundation for Public Education and the advisory board of the Philanthropic Initiative for Racial Equity. She is formerly a member of the board of Independent Press Association and the Tides Center. She was recognized by Ms. Magazine as one of 21 feminists to watch in the 21st century in 1996, the same year that she received the Ms. Foundation for Women's Gloria Steinem Women of Vision award. She was a Gerbode Fellow in 1999 and was selected as a 2004 Charles H. Revson Fellow on the Future of the City of New York.

Mae Ngai is an Associate Professor of History at Columbia University, New York. Her research and teaching focus on twentieth century U.S. history, with emphasis on immigration and ethnicity (Asian American and comparative), politics and law, and labor. She is active in the University's Center for Human Rights and the Center for the Study of Race, Politics, and Culture. Her book, Impossible Subjects: Illegal Aliens and the Making of Modern America, won the 2005 Frederick Jackson Turner Prize from the Organization of American Historians, the 2004 Littleton-Griswold Prize from the American Historical Association, and the 2004 Theodore Salutous Book Prize from the Immigration and Ethnic History Society. Professor Ngai’s current project, tentatively titled Lost in Translation: A Chinese American Family of the Interpreter Class, 1870-1970, proposes to use the genre of biography to examine questions of social organization, civil rights and assimilated subjecthood, and the role of Chinese interpreters in the U.S. Immigration Service.

Rups and Vincent Pham write and perform sketch comedy to build awareness and inspire necessary discussion. They are a part of the Asian American Artists' Collective and have performed for benefit shows for CAAELI (the Coalition of African, Asian, European, and Latino Immigrants), the Chinese Mutual Aid Association, the Foundation for Asian American Independent Media's Film Festival, and for YAWP! (Young Asians with Power!).

Analog to Digital

Saw Anoushka Shankar and Karsh Kale perform at Millenium Park last night. Went because of my schoolgirl crush on Karsh, and was happily impressed by Anoushka Shankar's work.

My realization as I listened: my world is in visuals. I have musician/singer friends who notice sound and music and notes more than I do. For instance, I got into a conversation with a singer the other night, where I was talking about how I love when fireworks are set to music. He despises it because the composers align the visual fireworks, but don't account for the aftermath blast that you hear... which ruins his experience. To him, the audio symmetry is off, whereas my visuals are right in line. Along the same line, I have friends that are dancers, writers, investors, entreprenuers, academics... and each sees the world through their chosen medium (i.e. movement, words, money, ideas, systems etc).

Listening to her set last night, I discovered that when music (any kind) really and truly hits me- I can see it. Morphing images, colors, textures, movements, the elements, levels, overlays, fluidity and abrupt transitions, ... it's beautiful. Makes me understand why I find visual art easier than performance or writing. I create to share the things about the world that inspire me... and the world in my head is fundamentally in visuals. So when I perform or write, it's like translating my visuals into words or scenes or dialogue. Like making anything analog into a digital form. Which explains the inherent frustration: some of the details are always lost in translation.

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In other news, Vimz gets back from Europe on Wednesday. He flies out of London and with all the airport hoopla recently, I'm a bit nervous.... praying until he's safe at O'Hare.

Also, I'm moving back into the city. :)

Vish is performing. I am performing. You should come.

Everyone who's anyone is going. You want to be somebody, don't you?

The greatest religion is to be true to your own nature.

-Swami Vivekanand

Apparently, I ain't just a river in Egypt

I'm also a valley, a village and a peak. Jealous? Yeah, I thought so.

:) thanks vish

Learning to make a fist.

Apparently, I am really angry and upset. I didn't know.

I had a planning meeting today and I didn't know anything was wrong until I realized that I had been quiet the entire meeting. Me. Quiet. The entire meeting! Now, we all know that my work style is hyper-interactive, i.e. I talk a lot.

Life has been a bit of a rough ride recently. People misappropriating my trust, letting me down, being self absorbed and/or apathetic at the expense of others....

So here's what I realized: I SUCK at being angry. I don't think it is in my nature. It feels unconstructive and pointless. As BuddistRoops tells me, it's just negative energy that I have to channel into doing something positive. So, I try- I'll run hard, or teach, or write up a show...

In an NPR interview I heard the other day, the interviewee said that their anger was an incarnation of their idealism, i.e. their anger came from knowing that a situation, or the world, could be better. I shrug at that. It just doesn't seem healthy to have one's internal motivation inspired from a feeling as negative and destructive as anger.

But then again, maybe my coping mechanisms aren't so healthy either? Maybe channeling my anger into positive work is a form of denial. Because Brahma and Vishnu need Shiva. Like the yin and yang. Maybe it is my imbalance that holds me back. Maybe I need to allow myself to be angry and destructive to be whole.

Who knows? (And really, who cares?) I'm done.

What I do know is that I am frustrated. Because I have lessons I need to learn but I don't see them yet. Like I am staring at a stubborn magic eye.

And I am angry. That I don't have a radar that detects the people who somehow managed to grow into adulthood with the maturity of a high schooler.

I am angry that I don't know *how* to be angry,
and yet,
I really don't want to learn.

I am also angry that I don't have a glass of chocolate milk right now.

I am angry that I need a hug. And that the batting cages are closed at this hour.

Sigh.

They say the universe conspires to give you what you ask for.

I think this is true- and even more true when you are specific. The people that get what they want are the people that can articulate what they want. I'm still learning, but I think I am getting better at envisioning the things I would like to see happen.

Two calls for help:

1. GRANTS: Anyone who either wants to learn to write one,
OR has some seasoned eyes to help me look over a grant,
OR just wants to spend some quality time with me while I write one.....
shoot me an email.

2. I'm currently co-writing a few shows. There's one I am especially excited about: Some of my most talented friends in Chicago, who also happen to be some of my favorite people, are reuniting for an end of the summer show. So... if anyone has an idea or issue they would like to see addressed onstage, shoot me an email.

In general, life has been a crazy learning curve for me as of recent... but in a good way. Life unravels as it should.

My heroes of the day...

When Travel is the Best Medicine

Travel has become my antidote: the farther I go the more aware I become of what has kept me alive -- my desire to be in and of the world. Since my infection, I've traveled to Mexico twice, Europe, India, Asia and Africa, not to mention countless trips around the United States to commune with friends, family and nature. Travel brings us back into the world, back into our bodies, and -- quite literally for me -- back to life.

Traveling with H.I.V. or other chronic conditions need not be more complicated than any other limitation traveling presents. You learn, as travelers do, to take calculated risks, prepare yourself and know your body and your limits. But most of all, you can never let fear have the final say in where and how you travel. I think more than anything else I travel to sharpen my wits against fear; like a martial artist I need to keep my form. With H.I.V. it is easy to find reasons you can't do this or that. Besides this virus, we carry with us a built-in fear. In fact, if we aren't vigilant we become the fear itself, embodying unconsciously the worst nightmares of those around us. If I had listened to the fears of people I know or read about, I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today -- maybe breathing, but not alive. There's a difference.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

$1-a-day pilgrimage

You were living on a dollar a day, so I assume just on a practical level you needed help from other people.

Guri: A dollar a day between the two of us. Even in India that's not a lot of money. Although we left home with this kind of "trust in the universe" theme, there was a lot of insecurity. Being raised in the U.S., we are so independent -- the concept of how we are all related in some way doesn't really sink in for us. But we were walking an average of 30 kilometers a day, and within that range we inevitably ran into someone good. It strengthened my faith in humanity.

There's a question posted on your personal Web site: "Do you have a spiritual teacher?" Your answer to that was, "Yes, you." Is it sometimes a struggle to see everyone as your teacher?

Nipun: I try to see life with reverence -- all life. When we were walking, we learned a lot of things. We learned to see the goodness in everybody, to try to learn from everybody and everything, even if it's just a tree. I mean, when you're walking and it's really hot, and you see a tree and you say, "Wow!" -- it's just there giving shade to you selflessly!

So I try to approach everything with humility. You never know what can teach you spiritual lessons you need to learn.

Many people are drawn to a life of service, but they're also worried about supporting themselves. How do you pay your bills as a full-time volunteer?

Guri: We value our time much more than money, so we live very simply and just work enough so we can live the way that we want to live.

While traveling, we realized that even the little we had taken with us -- we had three sets of clothes each -- was a lot. Coming back, we decided that we don't need all these clothes. And we don't need the latest car. We don't need all these gadgets. We think they are going to make our lives easier or make us happy, but they don't. So we live simply and use our time to do service.

One of your wedding vows is: "When it comes time to part, do you pledge to reflect on your time together with thankfulness for the ways in which you have grown, acceptance that all things are temporary and empty of inherent satisfaction, and joy that you met and shared what you have?" Why interject those not very happy thoughts into the ceremony?

Nipun: I see it as a happy thought. I think change is a very good thing. And I think when you embrace change, there is this constant joy to life. Both of us feel this way, and so we wanted on our wedding day to remember and realize that, yes, we will all die, yes, we will part -- in fact that is not a bad thing. We just wanted to bring it up front and say, "Look! Life has its ups and downs, and we love life!"

Guri: Death is an inevitable part of life. So we don't see it as sad. We see it as, If I remember that I'm going to die, I'm going to live today much more fully. If I think I'm here forever, I'm going to get too comfortable. So I think it empowers us. It makes me appreciate life. It makes me appreciate the time that we do have together.

Do you have any advice for people who want to open-source themselves in this copyright-crazy world?

Nipun: I would say trust. You are not alone, and you don't have to secure everything in your own little silo in the world. Everything changes and there is beauty to that. It's OK if you are not in the 401(k) plan. It's OK if you are not worried about how you are going to survive 20 years from now. So I would say: "Be bold. Greet the change. Live in the now."

---

26 years later... ,

My birthday weekend was beautiful! So, so impressed with how many people remembered! Thank you for the love!

This trip has been *really* good for me. I feel like I'm learning a whole lot.
On the 'work' side, I went to the Asian American Theater Conference representing YAWP!, the performance workshop where I mentor and teach. Spent some quality time with the youth, which was great. Also, I met some of the professors at UCLA- (I don't know yet, but the grad program is still a possibility.) Helped out with the Artwallah festival- got to paint a gallery wall red- and finally met Chamindika. And, it turns out I might actually get paid for teaching creative writing at a summer workshop (an income would be a step in the right direction!)

On the 'marathon training' side, yes, Mom, I'm keeping up. My runs are now up to 12 miles (!!!). For one of the runs, I hiked through Pasadena instead. Ended up swimming in a waterfall we discovered at the end of the trail. The moment was surreal.

On the 'super fly fantastic' random side (Greg's existential phrase), I randomly ran into a Raju in LA (a guy I worked with at my first exhibition at Manav Sadhna, India). He and his friend, Scrubs, made it their mission to make sure my b-day was unforgettable. So, through them, I met my first encounter with 'saki bombs' AND found my newest surfing teacher.

Also, I'm getting to spend some quality time with Kristi + Josh, Moni and co., Anup, and Ankur. Pankaj is flying in tomorrow.

Life has been really good to me.

Love from CA

Now *this* is a doctor.

---

California is surreal. I think the state should be elected its own planet. Apparently, some car and highway companies made a deal with the govt. to pump the state's money into highways instead of public transportation. It's crazy to see the aftermath one supposed deal between probably a few key players a long time ago. Traffic is insane, yet cars are the only way to get around.

And, I've come to an exciting discovery: I can skateboard. (!!) Yay, latent skills!

It's hard not to be upset with the world sometimes...

... especially when big systems make me feel small and helpless, like today. How do you stay positive and constructive and pushing forward? How do you choose your fight? How do you focus when there is so much to do?

The bill for a recent overnight hospitalization (not me) were just under $9,000! For people who have health insurance, it's usually covered. But what about those who are uninsured? The health insurance industry is a huge machine in the US. Does our current system cover and effectively watch out for the majority of the population? The thought that it may not upsets me.

Another thing that upsets me is general apathy and entitlement when it comes to the environment... everything seems to be getting bigger, more durable, and yet more disposable. I run in the mornings before the garbage is picked up, and over the past 2 weeks I've seen people throw away a foozball table, three tv's, a still-white sofa set, a not-broken sled, two mountain bikes... why don't they spend five minutes finding a place to donate this stuff? Or have a garage sale? Or sell it on Ebay? Is it laziness? I just don't get it. Maybe garbage dumps need to be more visible to show people that garbage doesn't just disappear? It makes me a bit angry.

but then Vince will remind me that nothing good comes from being angry. And Nikhil will remind me that I have to do as much as I can. ... maybe I have to learn how to let go of trying to be everywhere at once. I guess it's easier said than done.

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Speaking of Vincenzo- Feel better soon buddy!!! I'm sorry you hurt. :( Huge hug to you.

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Quote of the day: "Hey, what do you care about more: gay rights, immigration, or the effect of gay immigrants on gas prices?" (by someone anonymous, who may or may not be my brother...)

Bush's tax cuts will create jobs for the likes of diamond-tip cane polishers and monocle-smiths. John Hodgman of Daily Show

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Memorial Day was spectacular- everything that summer should be (frisbee, BBQ, the beach, fireworks, helping mom garden, opening the pool, the patio bars in Chicago...) you couldn't force me inside if you paid me.

AND-- Bike the Drive was this past Sunday- so amazing! The CBF blocks cars off of Lake Shore Drive for a morning and allows only bicycles. Start to finish I did about 34 miles with four friends and 20,000 bikers (and, despite betting pools wagering otherwise, I didn't die)... (well, as far as I know).

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As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. --Marianne Williamson

updates

1. Chicago marathon registration will likely be capped by the end of this week... if you're thinking about running it- sooner is the word on registration people, not later.

2. I finally decided to plug back in- I got a cell phone. It's proof for Johanna that I don't plan on leaving the country anytime soon. At least for my 2 year contract. :)

*sigh*

When he was a baby, I used to stare at my brother for hours at a time... and I would imagine what he would be like when he grew up - what he'd look like, what he'd do, whether he'd like me, whether we'd be friends ...

Slowly, Vim got bigger. Me and him would run up to Ba and Dada's upstairs balcony, throw helicopter leaves off, run down, gather them and do it again... We played in sprinklers and on the slip-n-slide (don't pretend you all didn't have one!), teased vish, played catch on the stoop outside, camped in the backyard, planted tomatoes with our grandmother, played in the basement (where I would scare him with our Mr. T mask), did everything that little kids do...

(We built a million memories because we always had each other, even when no one else wanted to play. )

A few years ago, he shot up, and is now considerably taller than me. If that wasn't enough, last weekend, that punk had the nerve to graduate college!

Fortunately, he's grown up to be so beautiful- inside out. Better than I could have ever imagined back when I would stare and wonder about the future him. Proud doesn't even begin to cut it Vimz. Love you brother.
----------

On a similar note, my baby, JenMasterFunk, is now ** Dr. Jennifer Garcia. ** Holy lord. Happy freakin Diwali. ;)

----------------

And, last but certainly not least, Vincenzo also claims to have graduated this spring. However, he also claims that his "graduation gown" was conveniently "returned" the day "before" I "saw" him. Consequently, there is no photographic evidence of his alleged aforementioned "Masters Degree." Feel free to draw your own conclusions....

Starting small...

starting with the kids.

"The community of Neve Shalom/Wahat al-Salam (NSWAS) has been nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize....

... the Primary School at NSWAS was the first bilingual, bicultural school in Israel and has been a pioneer of bilingual, binational education in the region, with an administrative and teaching structure equally shared and run by Palestinians and Jews. Further, the School for Peace is an internationally renowned conflict management institution, leading the field in binational dialogue programs. "

- The MidEastConnect (the complete article)

I AM. IN LOVE.

WITH THIS MAN.

Fundamentally speaking….

(might open a big can of worms by writing this…. but –)

Started reading the book Kiterunner. My friend Hardee got it for me for Xmas. If you haven’t read it – do so; The book is hard to put down. I read a chapter this morning and it haunted me: during my run, my drive up to the city, in the shower- it’s intense. And hits me close to home... I have come up close and personal with many similar characters to those in the book: people like Baba, Ali and Hassan, Amir, Aseef and his lackeys, Aseef’s parents…

The book is a lot deeper than I thought it would be. It got me thinking…

You ever notice the small similarities between religious practices? Surya Namaskar is similar to Naamaz. (They have come to represent different ideologies- but have you even seen them done side by side?) Taking Prasad (food blessed by god) isn’t all that different from taking communion bread. Praying in almost every faith is similar in practice... and the list of little similarities (as well as fundamental similarities) goes forever on...

Faith is faith. Some people need it to make sense of the world, some don't. But why the animosity between? (And why do people believe that anyone is wrong if the names they call their god are different?)

Show me one kid who can distinguish between people of different religions, different castes, different races. You can’t. It’s impossible and it’s obvious in it's simplicity. Hatred is taught. Disgust and intolerance are tastes that are acquired.

It’s interesting and upsetting to me to see it unravel in the world around me: these grudges and old scores that are tens and hundreds of years old and unsettled, still unforgiven, still unrelenting. I’ve met so many people who try to school me on "what those people did" and "what these people did"…

It’s not that I want to remain ignorant. I don't condone violence in any shape or form. I don't condone hatred. I don’t want to turn a blind eye to all the injustice there is in the world…. (and here I'm going off an a tangent because I don't just refer to injustices as those steming from religious disputes …. but also injustice toward the environment... and concerning economic and educational disparities …. and the lack of equal access to healthcare, to food, to freedom, to information, to peace….. ) In any case, it is not that I want to be ignorant about any of these things.

But- what I DO want- is us, as a whole world of people, to recognize that by allowing past injustices (back to refering to racial and religious) to shape our future ….. we perpetuate it all. We have to (and should) acknowledge the past... and do what we each can to help those who were pushed down to stand up on their own feet again. But don't perpetuate the "these people" and "those people" .... because kids *grow up* LEARNING to see those differences. Seeds are planted to keep the hatred going. The same mentalities are passed on to the next generation of children, who will grow up and want to recify the past. IT WILL NEVER STOP.

As for me, I refuse to participate in this stupid cycle. I’ll teach my kids and any other kids that cross my path the importance of the similarities. I will refuse to draw lines. I will choose to let the similarities between people outweigh the differences. I'm going to bank on the people that see others as simply people, and see what we can do if we work together.

It’s kind of like in the book I mentioned earlier.... the kite string that characters use to fly kites are intwined with little shards of glass to cut down other kites in the sky. The people are so busy looking up at the kites they are trying to cut down that no one notices that the glass in the kite strings are also leaving their own hands cut and bloody. No one looks at their own hands.

I hope this makes sense, but it might not. It's only now that it's beginning to make sense to me.

where I've been the past few days:

1. Finally got to meet Barack Obama at the Apna Ghar fundraiser (told him I'd vote for him if he ran; he winked at me) (ps. I love the man)

2. Ran all around the city and got to hang out with Hardee, Jobear, Robyn, and Sanj all in one super crazyfun day.

3. Biked 13 km on Lake Shore Drive with Hardee
(who's really talented at capturing moments - he took this pic)

4. Went out to Jon and Chien's show at the AA showcase- got to meet up with Vincenzo and Sara... (aka "Melissa") (who both helped me in covert changing operations outside the fitting rooms.)

5. Hit Champaign with Jenaiya for Mikey's birthday- huge reunion with Erock and her crew.

"Rups, no one cares what you do or where you've been the past few days! What is your point?!?!?!?!?"

Well, the point is that, recently, I have been ALL OVER THE PLACE. Then, yesterday morning, I realize that my bracelet isn't on my wrist. Most of you guys know- it's the silver "Papu" bracelet that my mom made for me when I was in high school. I haven't taken off that bracelet since I got it; that bracelet has seen me through ten years (!!!) of my life. (crazy no? and I know, at this point Robyn is thinking, "damn, that is the most committed that girl has ever been to anything!") (haha, shutup Rob)

Anyway, I've been running around so much that I wouldn't even know where to begin to look. I've decided that it's ok though. I've grown a lot better at letting go of things. Loss and renewal. I've still got everything that bracelet represents- my mom and her thoughtful creativity, my brother and the glimpses of him before he entered his weirdo teenager-ness, and, of course, 10 years of my life lived.

I'm sure there's more philosophical stuff I could throw in the mix but I'll spare you.

Point is: Let me know if you see a silver bracelet laying around that's about 10 years old and says 'papu' on it. :)

(wait! what if..... (how awesome would it be) if Barack was the one who found and returned it to me???!!? and then he fell in love with me, but recognizing his greater love for his beautiful wife and daughter, instead asked me to be his running mate and it was an ideal world where we didn't need to elect bad people when they make us fearful..... and good people actually won elections ......and Barack won and took me with him .... and, by some strange ideal fluke of nature I was suddenly VP of the US of A????!! First order of business would be to get everyone a new pair of socks (because all new beginnings should begin with new socks) and then we would start asking some tough questions about such thaings as economic disparities, and political motives and foreign policies... and every individual in the nation would take a good hard look at themselves and the world around them... and then encourage each other to envision a better world that they'd build together, because the only thing you can think about when you are wearing brand new socks.... (don't believe me? try it. I dare you))

(this tangent is sponsored by: my eerily similar schoolgirl crush on Zakir Hussian.... (before I knew he was much older than I thought and married) and my fantasy tour with him on a make-the-world-dance-tour (like the dancing Zion scene when they finally win the battleship war in the Matrix))

Lessons learned:
1. I need to keep better tabs on my sh*t.
and, more importantly,
2. No more typing when I'm deliriously tired.

Rups has a gun.

Wait, no, I was wrong. I mean, she's back. No gun. She's just back in the states. There's no gun. False alarm everyone. You may return to your regularly scheduled programming.
....

Do you love Viren Mehta? You should.

Night before Holi, 7 of us were across town at a café. Anup and I had ridden our bicycles and the ride home was about 45 min. I had my laptop/backpack with me. 11pm we leave. The girls were taking a rickshaw home and offered to take my bag so I wouldn’t have to bike it home. I give it to them.

I got home 20 minutes later. I asked for my bag so I could get some work done before I went to sleep (I have less than two weeks left in India at this point). They realize they forgot it in the rickshaw and run out to see if he’s still there: no such luck. Over 10 Indicorps and Manav Sadhna people worked until 3am making signs, putting them up in gas stations, taking me to the police stations, waiting at where the rickshaw dropped them off in case he returned… nothing.

I tried to be positive.

Next day was Holi. [I was sad and wanted to stay in bed, but the boys came downstairs and ambushed us with buckets of water and colored Holi powder. (There are still green and blue handprints on our walls from the struggle). I was even attacked while I was sleeping and woke up with blue dye on my back and my pillowcase. I went to celebrate at MS (I didn’t want to bring down everyone else’s day) and played with the colors, then water, then mud just like last year. At one point, we had all pinned Anup down in the mud and he got a hold of me and body slammed me into the mud (I’m screaming “inappropriate!” b/c it’s not culturally sensitive… he later claimed that his eyes were covered in mud and he didn’t know it was me) (liar). ]

In any case, later that day I discovered I had not only lost my laptop, but also the back up CD’s (b/c I had just burned them; they were still in the bag) and my planner, my notebook, everything. I still tried to stay positive and productive but when I realized that I no longer even had a PEN - I broke. I cried for a really, really long while.

With my lack of time left, I forced myself to not dwell on it or be sad- I simply don't have the time. However, later, when I realized that I was meeting the designer for the annual report and all the pictures were gone, I decided not to let my work go so easily. I made small flyers w/ Raju (who took a few hours out to write them up in Gujarati b/c he’s the best person ever!), xeroxed 600 copies, and passed them out to every rickshawwalla I saw. Must’ve talked to over 75 and I was losing my voice from repeating the story so many times.

Then I met up with Pankaj who said I had to take the rest of the night off or I would drive myself crazy. 10 minutes later, Virenbhai (of Manav Sadhna) calls. Says he just got a weird call from someone who may have my laptop. Asks if I’m willing to pay a reward. Yes, I tell him, whatever the guy wants. He says, hopefully, if the guy calls back, he’ll offer a reward and also explain that I am here doing good things and servicework.

He calls me back. Says he’s convinced the guy to come over to his house by assuring that the police won’t be involved. Tells me to get there as quickly as possible. On my bicycle it would’ve taken me an hour. Pankaj generously lends me his scooter, knowing full well I’ve never driven in India at night. (I don’t even know how to kickstart them properly!) I chug along the road and get there- this guy, Viren Mehta, asks me a million questions about what I had in the bag. When he is satisfied that the bag is mine, he goes home to bring it to me. (Turns out the rickshawwalla tried to sell it to him thinking it was a small TV. This guy, Virenbhai Mehta, says he needs to see it first to assess the price. Looks through the bag, realizes what happened, and calls a few of the first numbers in my notebook.) He wouldn’t even take a reward. Says God gives him everything he needs. Says he wouldn’t even take 5 rupees that don’t belong to him b/c somewhere down the road he’d pay for it a hundredfold. I’m still in shock. This guy singlehandedly renewed my faith in the world.

The whole night was so surreal: He, Viren Mehta, and his friend, Vinod, had apparently gone through my planner, asked if I made my dentist appointment on Friday (!!!). Then, Jayeshbhai calls to tell me that I can never sell this computer now b/c it’s a reminder of the good in the world. (Also proceeds to tell me to have sweet dreams tonight b/c I’ve made him so happy… but I should dream in black and white (???)) Then, on the bike ride home at midnight, while I’m still in shock and the streets are surreally empty, and I think that the world couldn’t possibly surprise me any more, I pass a nice man riding an elephant and talk to him for a bit. (Despite romanticized notions of India, seeing an elephant in big citay A’bad is few and far between; I’ve seen an elephant maybe twice in my year and a half here).

Everything was still in the bag. (I’m typing this on my laptop!!!) I am so lucky and so grateful. I am blessed.

AND I have my pen back.

new developments and the old days

My laptop is gone. How and what happened doesn't matter, b/c it doesn't change the fact that it's gone.

With 10 days left in India and to finish the things I have left to do (including a trip to my villagers in Kutch, a trip to the animator in mumbai, designing a logo, designing a website, spending time with my dada and finishing his errands, finishing final edits and filming, coordinating the animations, preparing for an interview (the day after my return flight) .... agh, the list goes on.

In any case, I'm ok with it. Losing the independence that my laptop afforded my work habits definitely makes finishing my projects harder, but I'm trying to be positive.

Random story to make the day better: Spent the last two days with my Dada. I love him so much. (He and my grandmother helped raise me and shaped a lot of who I am today.) I was upset about my laptop- and he starts going on about how he'd met my grandmother, and how much he loved her and how lucky he was to have her with him for so long.. and how lucky we all were. (And there I was, sulking about my laptop.) Suddenly I was put into my place with a simple reminder: I am so very lucky. At the end of the day, my laptop is gone and yet I can't complain. I still have so much to be grateful for.

Anyway, went to Mumbai with him for the day. He got a top bunk on the train ride, so I asked the two people on the bottom bunks if they were willing to trade him. They point to their own walking sticks and say that they, too, would have a hard time getting up there. They start talking to my granddad... the man was a diamond merchant from Dubai who retired and moved back to India. He and my Dada talked about their respective pasts, and it turns out that this man and my dada used to work *across the street* from each other in the 50's and 60's in old city Mumbai, Zaveri Bazaar!! They went to the same jaylaybeewalla and knew the same people... then the man starts talking about the watchmaker who used to fix his watches. He worked in a room just big enough for one person ("back before Rolex and Timex's") and would always give his customers the same line about his punctuctuality, 'don't worry; it'll get done'. Turns out the man was talking about MY GRANDDAD and his old watch repair shop!!!! So crazy.

Later, went to visit my dada's 90 yr old friend and his 88 year old wife. The man would tilt his wife's head back and yell in her ear "IT'S POPATLAL!" (my dada) and she would scream "WHAT?" -- this goes back and forth a few times and then she screams, "I'M SORRY! I'M TOO OLD TO REMEMBER THINGS!" Then, he and my dada start talking about how people live in their old age is directly correlated with how well they lived their life... like the people who lived honest, hard-working lives were surrounded by a lot of love in their old age. The people that lied and cheated... it all eventually came back around. At one point the 90 year old pulls me aside and says, "It's all so simple. Just be a good person."

In any case, old people have a lot of stories to tell. I feel like I should make more time to listen and learn. There's a certain peace that comes with understanding their perspective and patience.

"Do your work without having any expectation"

was a philosophy I grew up hearing. (Work can be interpreted as: fulfilling duty, following through with commitments or pursuing passion.) Anyway, the idea never really made sense to me.

Does it mean you aren't supposed to grow attached? If you're unattached to consequences, can you still envision the end goals you want to achieve? If you are unattached, is it still possible to be passionate?
Is anything worth doing if it doesn't make you passionate?

Then, last week, I had a revelation that makes me think I've been going about it the wrong way:

I've been in India working on these films since Jan. One of my first priorities was the animated piece. (FYI animation, I've discovered, is really hard- 2d animation requires 24 drawings PER SECOND of animated film. Mine is a little over 30 sec--> 30 sec x 24 drawings = a lot to ask someone to do as a volunteer project). Arch posed a challenge for me: don't pay anyone to do it. If you are trying to get PSA films out there to convince others to give back to their communities - you should first be able to convince the people you are working with. besides, the end product will be much more effective (even on a subconscious level) coming from someone who really understands what you are trying to do..)

I looked for an animator EVERYWHERE. Tapped every avenue I could think of. Animation/ design schools? Check. Animation companies? Check. Activist and volunteer platforms? Check. Posters, word of mouth, asking everyone I know? Check. Nothing. For over a month. Met a bunch of amazing people (including a woman that animated Ice Age!); everyone was excited but no one had time or resources to do it voluntarily: 'Inspiring youth is necessary. But not in such a time intensive, labor intensive business.' (The rest of the filming has been a similarly frustrating scenario- many Indian business people, I've discovered, love to say 'yes' even if they have NO INTENTION of following through. )

[I had also grown super attached to the project because it's important to me to see it happen- it's why I came back to India right? I was taking everything personally- project successes would leave me a bit too happy; setbacks would leave me completely devastated. I hit a point last week where I had had enough. I was ready to throw in the towel and come home. Nothing was going my way, despite giving every effort my all.]

Then, Monday, everything tipped. An animator from Mumbai, this bright-eyed guy who animates for Zee Entertainment committed to doing the project without payment!! (keep in mind, this was HUGE. I had met about 30+ animators who loved the idea but wouldn't do it.) The next day, I found out that he not only agreed, but he also convinced his compositor to do it without charge!!! Then other stuff started coming into place.... a place to tape, a 3chip video camera to use (more expensive than the cost of my entire year in India), a cameraman willing to teach me the basics of filming and direction, a video editor, access to editing equipment.... slowly the tide began to turn. Now I am creating new storyboards for other animations for a guy in Abad (who just moved here from Chicago) and another animation team in Hyderabad. :)

I had to lay the foundation but stuff only started to happen when it was ready to happen.

Maybe the idea of detachment doesn't need that I have to forgo my passion. Maybe it just means I have to have more faith that things happen when the time is right. It still requires the same amount of work and persistence and commitment. Maybe just not the anxiety. Maybe detachment just means that I have to keep pushing for the things that make me come alive, trusting that everything will fall into place in its own time.

****

ALSO- thanks for the concern, but the bombings were in Varnasi- not near me. The earthquakes were here... however, we all know how sound a sleeper I am. Didn't even know they happened until the next morning.

Roy's article on the Bush visit Check the vaccuum ad mid-article as well. :)

Saving Face (Produced by Will Smith.) Sounds promising.
"Openly lesbian director Alice Wu's first feature film, Saving Face is about the relationship between 28-year-old closeted lesbian surgeon Wilhelmina “Wil” Pang (Michelle Krusiec) and her mother Ma (Joan Chen), a 48-year-old widow who only speaks Mandarin and socializes solely with other members of the Chinese American community in Flushing, New York. The movie explores the relationship between mother and daughter when Ma unexpectedly turns up on Wil’s Manhattan doorstep pregnant, just as Wil is falling in love with a ballerina, Vivian (Lynn Chen). Vivian becomes frustrated with Wil’s unwillingness to be open about their relationship (asking “is this just an illicit affair?”), while Ma pressures Wil to find a boyfriend, even as she copes with her own ostracization from her community. Changing circumstances finally force Ma and Wil to choose between following their hearts and conforming to social pressure, with comic and poignant results."

incessant ramblings

ok. I haven't written here or to anyone or in my journal in about 234823094 years. In fact, I don't think I've written in any reflective form since my flight to the states... mid Nov. Since I stepped off that plane, life has been insane, and my thoughts have been in overdrive. I thought I had a handle on the whole 'culture shock' thing with the traveling I've done. But the difference this time was living, like *really* living here. Not feeling transitory. Being accepted in a way that I never felt in Milan despite how much I blended in.

I can crack jokes in Gujarati. I have a hold on Hindi. I can get people to believe I was born and raised here. The most empowering thing about my position is that I have choice. I can choose the best of both worlds... I get to decide the parts of me that I want to be 'Indian' and the parts of me I want to be 'American.'

Helping out with the friends without borders ( www.friendswithoutborders.com ) project. Was up til about 3 am putting the ‘world’s biggest’ card together in Mumbai. Not easy. Then ended up filming for their event in Abad- climbing train tracks and buildings to get the best shots, jumping in other peoples’ cabs… so fun. But these folks are hard-core committed to their message. And the spots already on the site are beautiful- check them out.

In any case, I was sitting on the bus the day before yesterday in Mumbai. (If you ever want to see the widest economic disparities ever, visit Mumbai... I have an uncle who makes the equivalent of 200k dollars in rupees... I have also met a woman who sleeps on the side of the road with all of her belongings as her pillow.) On the bus, a woman sat down in front of me. She was extremely pale (read: rich), short hair, older, wearing a freshly-ironed, super expensive salwar. (let's call her Old money.) Next stop- a woman sits down next to Old Money. New woman has a synthetic batik sari on, really dark skin (translation: hard labor worker), long hair up in a bun. Old Money puts a hand on her purse, moves her scarf, and moves over- practically smashing herself into the glass. I couldn't help starting a conversation with Old Money in my head:
"are you afraid the woman next to you is dirty? (she wasn't). are you afraid that being poor is contagious? do you really think you are all that different from her?... "

The incident made me really grateful for how I lived last year. When I first arrived, I would do things like cringe if an ant was crawling on me, or check under the mattress, or scream at a lizard in the room. Now, I think back to all the random places I have slept and ate and been… and I laugh about how much I have changed. (But it’s amazing to see myself grow so tangibly. It’s addictive.) Living like that puts everything in a different light. My experiences aren’t so dependent on the external circumstances of the situation anymore; it’s become about connecting with people. I know I can sit with anyone, anywhere and cut past the typical BS. Like that Oriah Mountain Dreamer poem… I don’t want to know who you are or where you come from. I want to figure out what it is that makes you come alive. I want to know what makes you impatient and want to jump out of your seat to get started. I want to know what is stopping you from throwing your full weight into trying to make your passion a reality. (It’s the realization that finally makes me feel like I am ready to be a teacher.)

It’s like we are all given this lump of clay. We can shape it and make it into whatever we choose. When we are little, there are hands on ours (parents, teachers, older siblings), teaching us how to shape, mold and form ourselves…. giving us tools to do it ourselves. But we fall into traps of always needing another pair of hands helping us shape. Or needing others to give us the tools we need. Why are we so afraid to try ourselves and see what we can come up with? What stops us from taking creative license over our own lives??? (And everyone at this point is thinking “but I have responsibilities and payments and expectations to fill and …..” These are all excuses; we choose to be a victim of our lives or an active player. There is *always* a way to make things happen- sometimes the path is tougher).

Granted, I do not have all the answers. I know there’s a ton of people who look at the decisions I have made and shake their heads. Let them. I had a breakdown the other day, and Arch, one of the most on-point women I have ever met, asked me if I had any regrets of any of the decisions I have made. I had to think about it for a minute- but I realized that I don’t. I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made or action I have taken. It always works out for the best in retrospect.. . sometimes it is just hard to remember. And sometimes I have a hard time knowing I can’t control everything about my own future. My faith is always tested in those moments… but those are the moments that shape who I am becoming. And I like who I am becoming. No regrets. Life is exactly as it should be.

Happy Valentines Day!

AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jennaiya, my freakin roommate for life, has been a foundation of my life since 1st yr U of I. DB, one of the best guys ever, finally proposed after their 2987 yrs of dating. Married. My baby's getting married.

Sara, my 2% from high school, is in some serious trouble with all the stories I've got on her from over the years. Her and Josh are getting married too... Holy Lord.

I'm in both weddings b/c I love them so much. I need to lie down- I can't believe this craziness. I am so blessed.

(Got 3 of the most creative valentines ever- however, only 1 is ok to put up here. Thanks V.)

the good, bad, funny and WTF?!?!?

GOOD: My little brother is a grown up. He graduates college in May... (People are officially grown ups after college- it's a rule). He's a fireball activist prepping to change the world... currently working on a political campaign- as press secretary. He is leading a team of people!!! I'm beaming. I can't even think about it without my eyes beginning to well up.... the world has been so good to me.

BAD: Life and the writing/film projects I am working on have hit some bumps in the road. It's like I'm working on a shaky foundation because fundamental things keep changing. I'll talk about it later... but I'm super frustrated.

FUNNY: In the midst of my frustration, I have been calling people at home ... and apparently the phone place I use (really cheap) comes up as a New Jersey number. (Prob why it's so cheap). In any case, I am NOT in Jersey. To set the record straight- I am in India. But if you get a call from Jersey- pick it up. It's me.

WTF: ?!?!?!? Sara freakin 2% Baker, one of my closest friends from high school- is now engaged. AAAAAAAAAAA! Congrats babydoll. So excited for you!

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

my new phone number has CHANGED (again!!)

awwww yeah...

got a number finally. Gujarat cell phone: 98255-03746. RECENTLY UPDATED!

Use it or lose it. Or something like that. :)

Also, the following is the reason I am not a graphic designer:

"So the point is not to become a leader...

The point is to become yourself,
to use yourself completely—
all your skills, gifts and energies—
in order to make your vision manifest.
You must withhold nothing.
You must, in sum,
become the person you started out to be,
and enjoy the process of becoming. "
(Warren Bennis)

I am back in India. Two months to write an annual report and work on the film project. Two months. An annual report and 3 films. Gwah! It's all mindset right? Head up, hit the ground running, keep pushing forward. I'm going to make this happen- I have only two months and absolutely no time to doubt myself.

Can someone poke my brother Vim in the arm and ask him why he's ignoring me??? April 15th boy; are you in???

It's so strange to feel so at home in more than one place. At home. Across the ocean. Globalization with a twist.

Best weekend ever!

Included so many of my favorite things: spending time with family and friends, snowboarding, smores on an open fire, Taco Bell, a hot tub, a pool, getting rocket-launched off of a bed (thanks Sweta!), mind-numbing TV shows, great conversations, new underwear, you name it.

Highlights:

1. Snowboarding: I can now do spins! Also, Vish let me teach him...he's a rockstar and such a quick learner.

2. Swimming: (Confession: I actually daydream about it if it's been too long) Got to swim for the first time in over a year! Did 102 laps (51, if you count there/back as 1). So satisfied- should hold me over for a while.

Now, some news:

1. I leave for NY tomorrow, then I go back to India for a couple of months to finish out a few projects, including the films. But I will be back in time for the Shamrock Shuffle (now a family tradition), if anyone wants to run it (8k) with me.

2. I've probably got a job with Chi Public Schools
when I get back.

3. And, contrary to popular belief, in comparision to my brothers, I am actually the normal one:

Activism, Insanity, and Waste

Instead of just the usual New Years Resolutions, this year I start by looking back. So...

Lessons of 2005-

1. Angry activism doesn't effect change for the long term.

Over this year, I met a lot of rageful activists, sincerely passionate about whatever their issue or cause. What I am learning is that angry activism can spread their anger throughout the masses and inspire immediate action, but their movement isn't sustainable. (Don't get me wrong- there is a lot to be angry about: economic disparity, lack of access to healthcare, children' s rights, ongoing systems of racial oppression, economic and linguistic colonialism, environmental apathy, IMF arrogance, the not-so-separate Church and State.. the list goes on). But action rooted in and inspired by anger cannot last; it isn't productive. No one likes being angry. It creates bitter and hostile people who are perpetually looking for the next fight, the next victory and always looking to label the next oppressor, or antagonist. It doesn't work long term. Anger isn't condusive to coming up with constructive, productive solutions.

2. Introspection is necessary, but can go too far.

For the majority of 2005, I was living in India. Many of the people I met had the deliberate goal of wanting to understand themselves better. It requires a lot of introspection, a lot of looking at the parts of oneself that aren't so great. It's hard- but it's also addictive. There is no way I can begin to encapsulate how much I have discovered about myself. Sounds hokey, I know. One of the biggest revelations I had was about how much I had yet to learn. But it's hard to question such fundamental things about yourself and your purpose without skating the edge of insanity. For instance, Viral, a good friend of mine who founded CharityFocus, recently finished an advanced Vipassana course, a month-long, solitary, silent mediation. How many of us could do that without going crazy...in a room by ourselves, without talking to anyone for a month? But he is one of the most grounded people I have ever met and he did it. He's so unconditionally happy with himself and can make sense of any situation. He's also one of the most positive men I have ever met. The strength of his foundation is definitely something I strive for.

3. We live in a culture of waste.

I don't really need to elaborate on this one. Water, food, electricity, clothes, you name it... just look at the amount of plastic bottles in your bathroom right now. Or the plastic bags for fruit at the grocery store. Or the unbelievable amounts of food pitched at restaurants. It makes me sad that not many people seem to notice or care because we are all just so used to it.

So, on the the constructive part:

Resolutions-

1. Be more proactive.
I am not a victim of my circumstances.
2. Take better care of myself.
Cook healthier. Run. Swim. Find opportunities and follow through-head off anxiety attacks. Write.
3. Stop fearing uncertainty.
Trust life and the consequences of my choices.
4. (last but not least) Run the marathon.
No broken legs this time. No leaving the country. No malaria. No excuses this year.