"People who do not break things first will never learn to create anything."

It's a Tagalog proverb. The vague type of wise saying that can mean whatever you need it to mean ... in order to push you in the direction in which you are subconsciously pushing yourself in anyway.

A good friend of mine once told me that you should never forget that the world is a really big place. With globalization making the world smaller and smaller, it's hard to remember that there is also infinite room for possibility. Only our minds' self- imposed limits tell us otherwise.

Since I've been back in the states, I've realized that all of my friends and family are in really different spaces. Well on their way to becoming academics, doctors, activists, entreprenuers, nurses, architects, graphic designers, corporate successes, mothers, husbands, artists, lawyers, pharmacists... My brother's graduating this year (AAAAAA!!!!) with poli sci and history. My cousin's majoring in voice performance and piano. Everyone is all over the place (a fact that I love). I find myself wondering what category I fall into- in their heads, as well as my own. But what's crazy to think, is how different our perspectives are. Each of our respective choices recreate our environments, which, in turn, re-inform our lives.

I'm not making sense. Here's what I mean: when I was doing improv, the people I was surrounded by were all actors and sketch writers. In that circle, it was normal to wait tables (to have the necessary flexibility to make auditions), to not have health insurance, to be living flamboyant lives on next to no money: always waiting for a break. It was insecure, but they all lived in flux waiting for the opportunity to be what they wanted to be. Their vision kept them afloat; unstable, but beautiful in theory.

When I worked corporate at the bank, I was surrounded by people who had sacrificed the lives they had pictured for themselves (police officers, high school teachers for low-income hispanic neighborhoods, fathers who had time for their children, musicians, a broadway singer), because they made a ton of money, which apparently made up for their sacrifice. Our conversations at lunch were about interest rates and loans and investments- money and how to best make more of it. It was stable, and super comfortable, but it was slowly making me numb to everything I used to be passionate about.

At my internships, the focus was on impressing the people I needed to impress to get ahead. I had to give the greatest presentations, the most thorough research, the most captivating powerpoint speechs. I learned a lot, for sure, but it was about selling things I didn't necessarily believe.

When I started this fellowship, I was surrounded and supported by people who dared me to think bigger. Whenever I failed and fell flat on my face, I was helped up and pushed back out into the field. Conversations were about what it means to be resiliant or accountable or passionate. No one was getting paid, no one really got any recognition (outside of the press we got for the 'idea' of what we were doing), but everyone was inspired and challenged, everyday.

Maybe it's lofty idealism.. but maybe it's also necessary. Maybe we trap ourselves in our own lives. Loans and fear and mortgages and unhealthy relationships and other people's expectations and ... all the things that stop us. And then we give up, "because it's too late." What does that even mean??? When is it ok to stop trying?? I'm 25 and I feel like I am just beginning to understand all the things I am capable of doing. When my dad graduated with his masters, a 90 year old woman graduated with him. When Shiv went to study Carnatic violin, one of the masters she studied alongside was 80 (the woman had started playing when she was 75!)

Am I running away from responsibilty? Am I a flake? Maybe, depending on who decides. But many of the people that inspire me could've been called flakes, too: (bill drayton, anjali desai, anand, ruth forman, maya angelou, kelly tsai, guri mehta, pavi, anar patel, my mom .... the list goes on) All I know is that, to do justice to the potential and opportunity and privilege that I have been afforded, I want to make something substantial of myself.

The question is, though it makes the whole conversation circular, what does 'substantial' mean, and whose definition matters?