Apparently, I am really angry and upset. I didn't know.
I had a planning meeting today and I didn't know anything was wrong until I realized that I had been quiet the entire meeting. Me. Quiet. The entire meeting! Now, we all know that my work style is hyper-interactive, i.e. I talk a lot.
Life has been a bit of a rough ride recently. People misappropriating my trust, letting me down, being self absorbed and/or apathetic at the expense of others....
So here's what I realized: I SUCK at being angry. I don't think it is in my nature. It feels unconstructive and pointless. As BuddistRoops tells me, it's just negative energy that I have to channel into doing something positive. So, I try- I'll run hard, or teach, or write up a show...
In an NPR interview I heard the other day, the interviewee said that their anger was an incarnation of their idealism, i.e. their anger came from knowing that a situation, or the world, could be better. I shrug at that. It just doesn't seem healthy to have one's internal motivation inspired from a feeling as negative and destructive as anger.
But then again, maybe my coping mechanisms aren't so healthy either? Maybe channeling my anger into positive work is a form of denial. Because Brahma and Vishnu need Shiva. Like the yin and yang. Maybe it is my imbalance that holds me back. Maybe I need to allow myself to be angry and destructive to be whole.
Who knows? (And really, who cares?) I'm done.
What I do know is that I am frustrated. Because I have lessons I need to learn but I don't see them yet. Like I am staring at a stubborn magic eye.
And I am angry. That I don't have a radar that detects the people who somehow managed to grow into adulthood with the maturity of a high schooler.
I am angry that I don't know *how* to be angry,
and yet,
I really don't want to learn.
I am also angry that I don't have a glass of chocolate milk right now.
I am angry that I need a hug. And that the batting cages are closed at this hour.
Sigh.
2 comments:
it's a cultural thing. my mom has no idea how to be angry, so she's taught me to have no idea how to be angry, too. i've always been taught that anger was a bad thing, but what's so bad about it? many of the legends and myths we revere are rooted in wrong being made right through anger. Ram's anger toward Ravarn, Shiva's dance, Ambaji's 9-day war to get the heavens back, where along the line did we lose touch with our anger?
i think it's perfectly healthy to be angry, and the only way to allow yourself to be angry is to let it out. yell your anger out to a friend who'll listen, hit a punching bad while you explain to it why you're angry, do SOMETHING, just talk about your anger with someone or something. it'll help.
word,
nikhil
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